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  • Top 10 additional ways American Olympic athletes can avoid bringing on the ire and contempt of the entire world

       May 16, 2004

    In a effort to help Olympic Consultant Mike Moron Moran reign in displays of American patriotism at the upcoming Olympic games, the staff here at has come up with a list of additional things he can recommend to our selfish and evil American athletes, so that they don't inadvertently start World War III by inciting the world to hate America even more.

    Top Ten ways American Olympic athletes can avoid bringing on the ire and contempt of the entire world

    10. Replace the red, white and blue on the US olympic flag with vertical red & white bars and slap a big ol' red maple leaf smack dab in the middle, eh.

    9. Ban our women from going to the Olympics. The sight of our infidel hotties in skimpy athletic uniforms inflames our peaceful Arab friends.

    8. Require our athletes to compete with one of their arms tied behind their back so as to give other teams a fair shot at winning. After all, how can a disadvantaged Latvian be said to be competing on a level playing field when he's been forced to live his whole life without a Sony Playstation? Think of it as an affirmative action for athletics.

    7. Pay reparations to teams that we've unfairly beaten in the past.

    6. Instead of saying they're going to Disneyworld, winning athletes should proclaim that they're going to Mecca.

    5. Current recording of the national anthem must be replaced by new synthesized version sung as a duet with David Hasselhoff & Kylie Minogue.

    4. After we beat a team, we must pour billions of dollars into their athletic programs. The worse we beat them, the more money they get.

    3. If France is losing a game, American athletes must enter the contest on the French side, allowing them to win. Afterwards, French athletes get to spit in their food and pretend they don't understand what they're saying.

    2. Lobby the International Olympic committee to start awarding first place with 72 virgins instead of with a gold medal. Allahu Akbar!

    1. Before each event, American athletes must consult with an international panel of coaches. Only after a multi-lateral strategic consensus is reached may they compete.

    You're welcome, Mike.

    Posted by jkhat at May 16, 2004 07:18 PM

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