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  • Top Ten Initiatives to Expect in Senator Ditka's First 100 Days

       July 14, 2004

    With the rumors that Mike Ditka may run for the U.S. Senate in Illinois, we thought it'd be a good time to consider just what the Senate would be like with Da Coach in the Capital.

    10. Unlike Dick Cheney, he won't tell other Senators to "fuck off", but he will hurl gum at them.

    9. Will not vote for the latest education bill without a guarantee that all U.S. history books use an asterisk if they discuss the U.S. "losing" the Vietnam War.

    8. He will insist that Pentagon war planners institute revolutionary new "46" defense.

    7. His press secretary will hold news conferences while wearing headbands that say "Clinton" or "Kerry".

    6. Will introduce a bill to get the US out of the UN...unless those international pansies start playing "real" football.

    5. With his input in the planning, the 2008 Republican National Convention will feature Senators performing new rap hit: "Super Senate Shuffle".

    4. Will vote to trade Guam, American Samoa and the Wake Islands to Japan for Takeru Kobayashi.

    3. His constant threats will cause Wisconsin Senators Feingold and Kohl to employ bodyguards to ward off attacks from "Samurai Mike" Singletary.

    2. He'll be a fearless leader. After all, working in the Senate is nothing compared to talking to your doctor about erectile dysfunction.

    And, the number one initiative to expect in Senator Ditka's first 100 days:

    1. Suggests Israel replace their "illegal" wall with a more effective barrier: William, "The Refrigerator" Perry.


    Posted by at July 14, 2004 12:56 PM

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