July 23, 2004

Just like every rose has its thorn and every night has its dawn, every campaign must have a rock-n-roll theme song. For now the Kerry/Edwards campaign has settled on Johnny B. Goode. But we at Dummocrats.com think they can do better. And for that matter, so can Bush/Cheney. So, without further ado, here are our Top Ten Campaign Song Suggestions for each campaign.

Kerry/Edwards

10. Ship of Fools by Robert Plant
What better song for the Captain of the shipwreck that is the modern Democratic Party?

9. Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind, by The Lovin' Spoonful
Campaign songs should send a message, they should get your point across, they should tell people where you're coming from. Clinton and Gore famously had "Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow..." as their celebration song - upon hearing it, voters immediately thought "Hey, these guys are thinking about tomorrow!" (Except for a few old and forgetful people that probably saw it as a great public service reminder.) In any event, "Did you ever have to make up your mind" is a great choice for Kerry - it immediately explains Kerry's constant waffling by saying, "hey, it's hard to make decisions!"

8. Life's Been Good, by Joe Walsh
Ahh, the John Kerry lifestyle. Swimming pools. Movie stars. I wouldn't know what it's like, but I'm pretty sure that this song comes close.

7. You're No Good, Linda Ronstadt
I'm thinking that Kerry could easily arrange for Linda & Michael Moore to perform a duet of this ditty at the DNC.

6. Money For Nothing, by Dire Straights
Since Kerry doesn't show up for work over 80% of the time, he certainly knows all about getting money for nothing.

5. Just A Gigolo, by David Lee Roth
What better song than this for a dedicated special-interests whore?

4. Promises, Promises, by Naked Eyes
All politicians get accused of breaking their promises, but how many actually promise to do something, then later that day promise another group of people that they will in fact never do that same something? If any candidate has a right to use Promises, Promises as a Campaign theme song, it's John F. Kerry.

3. Your Lyin' Eyes, by The Eagles
You can't hide, your lying eyes...... and the Botox, will not disguise......

2. Taxman, by The Beatles
Oh please, no explanation is required for this one. John Kerry is the Taxman (he's probably also the Assman, but that's another story).

And the number one campaign song for John F. Kerry is......

1. You Belong to the City, by Glenn Frey
I didn't think it could be done, but Glenn Frey has written the perfect John Kerry campaign theme song. And he did it 20 years ago! He must be freakin' Nostradamus re-incarnated or something. A quick look at a county-by-county voter map from the 2000 election will give you a rough idea of where Kerry's support lies. And this song is great, because it sends a message that rings true, a rare occurrence in today's world of dirty politics - if you're not in one of the 8 major metropolitan areas of the United States, John Kerry is not your candidate!

And, for our friends in the President Bush/Vice President Cheney camp, how about these tunes in addition to "Hail to the Chief"?

10. A Country Boy can Survive by Hank Williams, Jr.
Ask yourself, who would you rather have in charge of things, a man who knows how to live off the land or a man who whines when the coffee shop punk accidentally uses 2% in his half-caf-half-decaf-soy-double-skim-latte? Since ol' Bocephus isn't running for office himself this year, I'm sure that he wouldn't mind if GWB borrowed this diddy.

9. America, by Neil Diamond
For some, this can represent the wonder of America, that shining city on a hill. For others, this can be a jab at Bush's overly permissive illegal alien policies. Whichever meaning you choose to adopt, one thing is certainly true -- they ARE coming to America, in greater numbers than ever. Ask yourself - if the world really hates President Bush as much as the Left claims, then why are more people than ever lining up to get in? Hmm, perhaps we've stumbled on to the reason that foreign leaders hate Bush - because he lures away their tax base.

8. I Can See Clearly Now, by Jimmy Cliff
On January 20, 1981 it was morning in America. And on November 2, 2004, it's gonna be another bright, bright, sun shining day as the haze clears and we all defeat this sickness that is Liberalism.

7. Without Me, by Eminem
Let's face it, without W., what would the liberal media do? They'd have no outlet for their irrational hate. Maybe they don't know it, but they need Bush.

6. Holding Out for a Hero, by Bonnie Tyler
Sure, Ted Koppel doesn't think that Bush is a hero, but just ask one of the 23 million liberated Iraqis what they think.

5. I Wanna Be a Cowboy, by Boys Don't Cry
Any Bush election campaign has to have a cowboy song associated with it in some way. With so many great cowboy songs to choose from, I went with this one because it's easier to dance to than Willie Nelson's "My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys."

4. The Future's So Bright (I Gotta Wear Shades), by Timbuk 3
My future, your future, the future of a nation. Reagan's tax cuts jump started the economy and created the huge tech boom that we saw in the 1990's. I've said it before and I'l l say it again - without Ronald Reagan, the personal computer wouldn't even exist. Bush's economic strategy stands a much better chance of priming the pump for your children than does Taxman Kerry's.

3. Eye of the Tiger, by Survivor
Hey, it worked for Rocky.

2. Rock the Casbah, by The Clash
That's right Middle Eastern Mullahocracies, Bush is your worst nightmare. He's gonna topple your corrupt regimes and rock your people (like a hurricane).

1. Pink Houses, by John Mellencamp
Ain't that America? Take another look at the map linked to above. This election all boils down to one thing - Bush's small town, independent and self-sufficient America v. Kerry's big city, dependent, handout-seeking socialistic America.

Whose side are you going to be on when the hammer falls?

Posted by jkhat at July 23, 2004 08:52 PM

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