What A Fool Believes
I was at a local restaurant yesterday when I noticed a pamphlet entitled "What Republicans Believe". Now, seeing as I live in Madison, Wisconsin, I didn't expect this to be a serious treatise on smaller government and supply side economics. Just for fun, I grabbed the pamphlet and brought it home. It turns out it was produced by Dems for Peace, which looks to be affiliated with A.N.S.W.E.R. and the like. The "beliefs" of Republicans are just as distorted as you would imagine.
At first I wanted to refute their points, but I'm preaching to the choir here, so it'll be more fun to put a dummocratic spin on their "republican beliefs". Let's roll.
|1. That being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime...unless you are a millionaire reactionary radio shock jock, which therefore makes it an illness and worthy of absolution.
||1. That being a drug addict means you're suffering from a disease and should be entitled to taxpayer-funded needles and health care.|
|2. That those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.||2. That those privileged from birth only achieve success because of their birth, unless they are Kennedys.|
|3. That the US should get out of the UN, but that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
||3. That the US should get out of Iraq, but that our highest national priority is defending the nation against terrorists and the states that harbor them.|
|4. That government should stay out of peoples' lives, but that it should have the right to punish anyone caught having sex with the "wrong" person, irrespective of gender.
||4. That government should stay out of peoples' bedrooms, but that it should have the right to decide what public school parents must send their children to.|
|5. That pollution is OK--so long as it makes a profit
||5. The corporate profit is OK--so long as the corporation makes hefty donations to the party.|
|6. That prayer in public schools is great-but only so long as people don't pray to Allah or Buddha
||6. That celebrating holidays in public schools is great, but only so long as people don't celebrate Christmas or Easter.|
|7. That "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
||7. That "Believing in America" means blaming ourselves for terrorist attacks against us.|
|8. That a woman cannot be trusted with decisions concerning her own body, but that large multinational corporations can be trusted with decisions affecting all mankind with no regulations whatsoever.
||8. That a woman should be trusted to do whatever she pleases with her own body, but that Americans cannot be trusted to make decisions concerning their hard earned dollars.|
|9. That they love Jesus and Jesus loves them, and that Jesus shares their hatred of everyone else.
||9. That they are more tolerant and value all religions and creeds, except for traditional Christianity.|
|10. That people should hate the ACLU for representing convicted felons, but that the ACLU owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.
||10. That people should love the ACLU for representing convicted felons and turning a blind eye to hiring potential terrorists and ignore the fact that they will not speak out against campus speech codes.|
|11. That the best way to encourage military morale is to praise our troops overseas, all while cutting their VA benefits here at home.
||11. That the best way to encourage military morale is to call our troops overseas "baby killers" and vote against funding them.|
|12. That group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running as a Republican for governor of California.
||12. That adulterous sex, academic fraud and murder are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running as a Democrat for senator from Massachusetts.|
|13. That we need to keep condoms out of our schools because everyone knows that if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
||13. That we need to keep standardized testing out of our schools, because everyone knows that if students are tested, they won't learn anything.|
|14. That the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and to then demand their cooperation and money once we're deep in a hole that we dug ourselves.
||14. That the best way to fight terrorism is to pursue the exact same course of action that resulted in horrendous terrorist attacks.|
|15. That all socialized medicine is wrong...and that HMOs and insurance companies only have consumers' best interests at heart...and that European countries have had absolutely no success with universal health care.
||15. That all socialized medicine is right...and that countries like Canada have had absolutely no problems with universal health care and that Canadians never travel to the US for better health care.|
|16. That providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy, but that providing health care to all Americans is socialism personified.
||16. That women's rights, gay rights and more are all crucial to America, but that it's not important or good that we freed millions of Afghanis from an extraordinarily intolerant regime.|
|17. That tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk science", but that "Creationism" ought to be taught in our public schools.
||17. That ACT and SAT scores' link to success in college is "junk science", but that John Kerry's self-defined "misery index" is a valid measure of the strength of the economy.|
|18. That waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam, but right on target in Iraq.
||18. That unilaterally waging war in Kosovo was right, but that a multilateral action with dozens of other nations in Iraq is wrong.|
|19. That Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush need a "we can't find bin Laden" diversion.
||19. That Saddam was a bad guy when Democratic congressmen voted to go to war against him (both times), a good guy when spouting the party line against Bush in court, and a bad guy when Clinton needed a "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" diversion.|
|20. That government should restrict itself to just the powers named in the Constitution--with, of course, the exceptions of banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
||20. That government should not restrict itself to just powers named in the Constitution as the Constitution implies a right to marry (gay and straight) and a right to health care. But, the Constitution does not name a right to bear arms.|
|21. That the public has a right to know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a "private matter".
||21. That the public has a right to know about Bush and Cheney's stock holdings, while the tax returns of Teresa Heinz Kerry are a "private matter".|
|22. That the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because Americans just can't handle the truth
||22. That the public has a right to know every detail of Bush's National Guard service, but it's not important that Sandy Berger stole top secret documents and notes from the National Archives rather than turn them over to the 9/11 Commission.|
|23. That people should support states' rights, which means Ashcroft telling states what locally passed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.
||23. That people should support multilateralism, which means France telling the United States how it should conduct its foreign policy.|
|24. That what Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but that the far worse things that George W. Bush did just a few years later is "stale news" and "irrelevant" and "youthful mistakes".
||24. That Dick Cheney's relationship with Halliburton is of vital national interest, but that large donations to the Democrats from organized crime figures are irrelevant.|
|25. That trade with Cuba is wrong because it is a Communist nation, but that trading with China and Vietnam is just plain dandy.
||25. That the death penalty is wrong because it is killing another person, but that aborting a baby is just plain dandy.|
Posted by at August 1, 2004 08:34 AM
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|# March 7th, 2005 6:48 PM Converted_Comment|
Thanks for posting it. I used to get too irritated to pay attention to what those in the freakshow have to say, but have learned it is valuable to understand how the other side thinks.