Top Ten New Names for the Washington Redskins
With the movement to remove Native American nicknames from the sports world in the news in Wisconsin (again), our thoughts naturally turned to the most offensive team in sports (no, not the Minnesota Vikings): the Washington Redskins.
How this team manages to keep their name boggles the mind, especially when you consider that DC's basketball franchise had to go from the Bullets to the Wizards because that was too offensive. Anyway, we suspect it's only a matter of time before the Redskins are forced to go the way of the Bullets. And, because we're nothing if not helpful, we've prepared our own Top Ten New Names for the Washington Redskins.
10. Let's just get the obvious out of the way. The Washington Crack Hos would be a great name. It references DC history and describes some natives. The could also be conveniently shortened to just the "Hos" (like the Avs and Nats). Furthermore, sports writers would have fun saying things like "The Hos really cracked their opponents today."
9. Along those same lines, the Washington Bitches is our next choice. What we like about this name is the obvious motto: "We'll Set You Up!"
8. Our next name gives the franchise a couple of options. They could go with the more traditional sounding Washington Swamp Monsters or opt for the trendier sounding Washington Swamp. Personally, I prefer The Swamp. Once again, this name would be gold for local sports writers, although I'm sure the locals will get sick of reading headlines about the team getting "swamped" by the opposition.
7. The Washington Cherries would give the team an obvious local flavor. However, what I really love about this name is the double entendre. Call me a 12-year old boy if you must, but I would so giggle and blush everytime someone made a remark about the Cherries "popping" someone or something. Heh. I love it.
6. For a topical choice, the team could do worse than changing their name to the Washington 911. However, according to DC natives, the team would probably have some major problems with holding.
5. Wouldn't a name like the Washington Taxmen strike fear in the hearts of the rest of the NFL? I know they'd scare the crap out of me! Plus, with Michael Jackson's legal troubles, I think it's quite likely that he'd be willing to sell the rights to The Beatles' song to the team. Beware: the Taxmen cometh!
4. The Washington Panderers would combine the characteristics of natives like Mei Xiang and Tian Tian and um, every politician in the city.
3. For truth in advertising, since the Skins actually play in Landover, you can't beat the Maryland Sprawl. Plus, it's another trendy-sounding name. Of course, I'm sure there are some eco-terrorists out there that'll be all offended because they'll claim the team name glorifies suburbia. They can bite me.
2. If the team is more interested in being fun, than fierce, we think that the Washington Party Animals would be a good choice. Plus, it's a bipartisan name that everyone could get behind. And isn't agreeing all the time what politics is really all about?
1. Finally, at number one we have the Washington Red Tape. Talk about fearsome! The Red Tape should have no problem foiling the opposition both on the field and in the front office. I'd expect this team to have both byzantine defensive schemes and some serious talent at juggling the salary cap.
Posted by at March 11, 2005 11:02 AM
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|# March 11th, 2005 1:18 PM Stugein|
**DELETED COMMENT - we dont need comments like this here, asshat. be negative and criticize all you want, but this is way over the line. no one deserves to be spoken to like this, even on the internet.
|# March 11th, 2005 1:46 PM kris|
|Thank you for your thoughtful, insightful comment. |
|# March 11th, 2005 2:15 PM Stugein|
|Happy to help. |
|# March 11th, 2005 3:36 PM drew|
|What does Greg Easterbrook call them? The Potomac Drainage basin Indigenous Persons??? |
|# March 11th, 2005 3:46 PM kris|
|yep, that's it. heh, that's better than anything on our list, although i do have a soft spot for the Cherries and the Red Tape. |
|# March 11th, 2005 6:05 PM Daddy|
|How about the WASHINGTON WETBACKS, in honor of Bush's "guest worker" policy?
Oh. Wait. The whole point is NOT to be offensive.
|# March 11th, 2005 6:07 PM Daddy|
|Oh, and don't listen to Stugein. That "problems with holding" line was funny.
|# March 11th, 2005 6:15 PM Daddy|
|It's a guarantee that any name with alliteration will catch on. With that in mind, I present:
Aw, hell. Just steal from the USFL.
|# March 11th, 2005 7:42 PM james|
kris, shouldn't it be the NATIVE tape?
|# March 11th, 2005 10:23 PM kris|
|uh, yeah...shame on me |
|# March 11th, 2005 10:32 PM Zeke|
|I lived in D.C. for 14 years or until 12/31/04.
The Washington Dead Skins, The Washington Thugs, The Washington Pimps, The Washington 9 millimeters all come to mind.
|# March 21st, 2005 5:38 PM johanreturns|
|Funny, but I was greatly offended by your team logo for the panderers. My great uncle was a panda bear and for you to use the Great Panda alongside something like that is unforgiveable in my book.
Funny top-ten list, thanks for the laugh!