April 11, 2005

Tonight at the gym, I watched the big three networks cover the same earthshatteringly important story on the nightly news. This nation needs to know what is on President Bush's iPod. The networks dutifully reported that the Presidential iPod was full of the usual suspects, like "Brown Eyed Girl" and "Centerfield".

But our crack staff wasn't satisfied by this shoddy 'reporting'. Our investigative team has uncovered the President's entire playlist. We've been told by the Secret Service that we are not allowed to release the entire list for national security reasons. However, we do have a world exclusive list of the Top Ten Songs That Are Really On President Bush's iPod to share with you, our loyal readers. (And, if you read between the lines, you might get a few hints about the rest of the playlist)

10. God Bless the USA. No shock here. Is it any wonder the President would want to listen to a patriotic song like this:

I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free. And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me. And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today. ‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land God bless the U.S.A.

Now, the cynics among us would claim that the President is just taking pointers from Lee Greenwood in order to further the powerful and continuing nationalism necessary for his fascist regime, but we know better.

9. Without Me, by Eminem. You wouldn't think a conservative President would dig Eminem, but we're told that the President thinks Slim Shady feels his pain when it comes to being a controversial figure routinely slammed by a hostile press:

Guess who's back Back again Shady's back Tell a friend Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back.

Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just follow me
Cause we need a little, controversy
Cause it feels so empty, without me
I said-this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just follow me
Cause we need a little, controversy
Cause it feels so empty, without me

8. He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother. Now, we're not here to judge anyone, but we couldn't help but notice that Jeb Bush has kind of let himself go. And, we're not the only ones. The President's noticed his brother's condition too. This song, however, truly demonstrates, just what a compassionate conservative our President is:

So on we go, his welfare is my concern No burden is he to bare, we'll get there For I know he would not encumber me He ain't heavy - he's my brother

That's right Jeb, your big bro is there to shoulder the load. Let's just make sure the load doesn't get too big, if you know what I mean.

7. (That's Right) You're Not From Texas Unlike Lyle Lovett, President Bush is not from Texas, but, like many good men before him, he got there as fast as he could. Although this meant he had to give up a lifelong dream of driving the Zamboni when he moved, it also meant that Texans embraced him as one of their own, as demonstrated so neatly in this song:

That’s right you’re not from Texas That’s right you’re not from Texas That’s right you’re not from Texas But Texas wants you anyway

6. Papa Don't Preach. While the President undoubtably appreciates the advice of his father, there are apparently times when he's had enough. We've learned that Bush 41 was especially adamant that his son get rid of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield. Not only did 43 refuse, he defied the world while singing these modified lyrics throughout the West Wing:

Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep But I made up my mind, I'm keeping my (secretary... im gonna keep my rummy)

5. Hot For Teacher. While President Bush wasn't born in Texas, his lovely wife Laura was. We strongly suspect that it's Laura, a former public school librarian, who inspired one of the President's men to add this little ditty to the playlist. Yep, even after all these years, the President still has:

Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, I’m hot for teacher. I got it bad, so bad, I’m hot for teacher.

Aw, remember folks, there's only two things that money can't buy and that's true love and homegrown tomatoes.

4. Bombs Over Baghdad. For being the squarest man this side of Prince Charles, the President has some eclectic taste in music. We were surprised to learn he liked Outkast, although, in retrospect, it's no surprise he was drawn to this song:

Thunder pounds when I stomp the ground (Woo!) Like a million elephants and silverback orangutans You can't stop a train

3. Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood, or, as the President likes to call it, "Don't Let Me Be Misunderestimastood". While the President was loathe to admit mistakes while on the campaign trail, this choice clearly shows that in his private moments, this President is a humble man:

Oh, oh, oh, baby, don't you know I'm human Have thoughts like any other one Sometimes I find myself alone and regretting Some foolish thing, some little simple thing I've done

2. Like many people, the President occasionally misunderstands lyrics. I feel his pain. After all, for years I thought they were saying "you are a maggot and I am steel. But enough about me. The President, God bless him, loves Barbara Ann, but unfortunately, he likes it because he thinks the Beach Boys are saying "Bomb bomb bomb. Bomb bomb Iran". Oh George. Similarily, he thought Ice, Ice, Baby was a tribute to Condoleezza Rice. White House insiders tell us he was shocked when he finally caught a glimpse of Vanilla Ice on a repeat of The Surreal Life 2.

And finally, we're ready to reveal the number one shocker that's one the POTUS pod...

1. When Doves Cry. Now, in this case, the President knows exactly what the real lyrics are:

How can u just leave me standing? Alone in a world so cold? (World so cold) Maybe I'm just 2 demanding Maybe I'm just like my father 2 bold Maybe you're just like my mother She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied) Why do we scream at each other This is what it sounds like When doves cry

But sometimes he just can't resist changing the words to get in some digs at his opponents on the left side of the aisle:

How can u just leave us standing? Alone in a world so cold? (World so cold) Maybe we're just 2 demanding Maybe youre just like your father 2 bold Maybe you're just like your mother She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied) Why do we scream at each other This is what it sounds like When we liberal doves cry

We hope you enjoyed this glimpse inside the Presidential pysche. Stay tuned for more insider reports for our undercover staff.

Posted by at April 11, 2005 11:32 PM

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