April 12, 2005

Ahh, another Tuesday night. Once again, I should be doing homework not recaping American Idol for a bunch of strangers - but then again, I can't turn my back on our readers. I'm what you call a "giver."

Welcome back, says Seacrest, who must have forgotten to charge his electric razor last night. du-nuh-na-uh-nah-na-nuh-na-nuh-nuh-nuh. Nikko Smith is "sadly back in his home town of St. Louis, says Seacrest." Well, I suppose that all depends on who is sad - if he's referring to the residents of St. Louis, who have to put up with Nikko's 20-year-too-late Stevie Wonder act, he may be on to something. Seacrest nags the viewers to vote. "Watching the show without voting is like starting a conversation with Randy -- pointless." Harsh, dog.

Cut to Coke central where the contestants and all of America subjected to a baby photo of Constantly-pouting. Amazingly, he looks exactly like he did back then, only much, much dirtier. Baby V is up next, then there's a picture of 1 year old Carrie Underwood. Awww, our kids are going to be so cute. Theme: Nursury Rhymes? No. It's "songs from the year you were born."

Nadia kicks it off with "When I dream" by Mac Davis, treating us to what must be a Guiness-record-setting hair altitude. Whether you like Nadia or hate her, she has the coolest hair this side of the Afro guy from Minneapolis. If you've ever been to party in the Twin Cities, you know who I'm talking about.

Randy: "Wow, a year's worth of songs to pick from and you pick that. I don't even know what song that is..." (America hears ya dog...)
Paula: "You look ... stunning. I come just to see what you're going to wear." (In other words, "Nadia, you should be seen, not heard." Now get back in the kitchen and make a pot pie, freaky girl.)
Simon: That was musical wallpaper. Appalling choice.
Hat: Terrible song for Nadia. I like rockin' Nadia. Why she'd pick that, I have no idea. I'm fairly confident in saying that she's my pick to get booted, and I haven't even seen the other performers yet.

Bo Bice: Free Bird by Skynyrd, 1975. Great song. My god, I can hear the hootin' and hollerin' rollin over the Virgina hills now. If hill people had phones, Bo Bice would set a record for most. votes. ev-ar.

Randy: Yo, Bo, Excellent.
Paula: "See you at the finals Bo." This coming from a woman who chatized Simon for telling Carrie Underwood that she was the favorite, because it allegedly was "unfair" to the other constestants. Last week we had 4-drink-Paula, and it looks like we got sober-but-hypocritical-Paula tonight. In all fairness, she we probably drunk when she said that, though, so maybe she doesn't remember.
Simon: The audience at home is going to say "what the hell was that?" Simon says that Free Bird is a "sacred" song. Paula and Randy erupt in guffaws, "whaaaaaaaaaaat??!?" Once again, the Brit is the only one that knows what he's talking about when it comes to American music.
Hat: I thought it was a subdued performance. Not a real rocker.

Anwar doing "I'll never love this way again" by Dione Warwick, 1979. What in the hell is wrong with you Anwar? You haven't even started singing yet and I can tell you that's an incredibly stupid song to pick. This guy is really starting to freak me out. Can you say "Micheal Jackson II?"

Randy: Great song choice, I'm proud of you.
Paula: You please me.
Simon: One of your better performances.
Hat: OK, that sounded like absolute garbage. I don't know what the judges were listening to, but it must not have been the same performance that I was subjected to, that's for sure. I've seen better performances out of lounge singers.

Seacrest shows us that Hall and Oates are in the audience - all over America, the target demographic is turning to their parents and asking "Who?"

Federov up with "Every time you go away" by Paul Young, written in 1985 by Hall. Or Oates. Whichever one is named "Darrell." Federov tells us that he used to swim in the Black Sea. YIKES, OK, the camera is way to close to this kid for my liking, i just looked up and was startled, thinking that Boringov was leaning in for a kiss. He's walking all over the stage and bopping about. I think this is probably one of his better performances.

Randy: You know what man? You did your thing. I was surprised.
Paula: Much better than last week.
Simon: Very good.
Hat: It took Hall/Oates to make Boringov non-boring. Who woulda thunk it? Hmm, I wonder, if Fran Drescher wrote music for Mikalah Gordon, would it have made her less annoying?

Vonzell, born in 1984, doing "Let's hear it for the Boy." This was a good song to pick, I think. The most rockin' of the night. Take that, Bo. Speaking of Bo, it looks like Vonzell is now using the catBo-walk.

Randy: This is craaaaaazy, dude, excellent!
Paula: What's so great about you is your energy. You are adorable.
Simon: Very good choice of song. You are the one that's going to stay, and Nadia is the one that's gonna go home. (in other words, Simon is saying that 2 black chicks can't both make it.)
Hat: This was a good song to pick. The most rockin' of the night, by far. I think she did OK. nothing spectacular. Thought she sounded flat in the chorus.

Slappin' Scott doing "She's gone," by Hall and Oates, 1976. Yeah, Scott, that's what happens when you hit 'em. Scott: "Everyone talks about rockers, well, I'm the real rocker in the competition." Yeah, Scott, your Hall and Oates song really shows that. The only time "rocker" should ever be used in the same sentence with Scott Savol is when prefixed with "off his." Oh my, they just showed Paula jumping around and screaming like a 15 year old girl. I half thought she was gonna throw her bra at him.

Randy: Was a little off. But you brought it home, dawwwwg.
Paula: I've gotta give it up to you. (Paula, who don't you give it up to?) Paula : giggle giggle giggle
Simon: There were more bum notes than there were good notes, I'm just trying to keep it real. To which Scott-the-goon responds, "You know what's real, I'm up here doing this, when million of people at home didn't have the guts." This guy is more of a nutjob from that chewer from the Apprentice. Watch out Simon, you're about to get savoled.
Hat: eeeeh. It was aiiiight.

Carrie Underwood-Hat doing "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benetar, 1983. Good song choice, but she really doesn't sound that great. This is almost painful to watch.
Randy: Well, you know, pitchy, and you messed up the words. I'm not lovin the rocked-out Carrie.
Paula: I think you rocked.
Simon: That was like watching a kitten that wants to be a tiger.
Hat: I still love ya.

Constantly-dirty is doing Bohemian Rhapsody from 1975. Oh my, this is going to be something - I have no idea how this is gonna work. Oooh, he has a clever little background video of him and 2 backup singers doing backing vocals. Nice touch.

Randy: 10 for showmanship, 7 for singing. (thats mightly generous)
Paula: You've now proven you're the one to beat in this competition. (didn't she just tell bo the same thing?)
Simon: (points out that Paula isn't making sense. "That was astonishing." (I don't think that was intended as a complement, but everyone takes it as one. Seacrest even says "he has never used that word before on this program.")
Hat: I liked it, but only because it wasn't Hall and Oates. I hate nights when it turns into American Ballads.

My bottom 3: Nadia Turner, Anwar Jackson, and Scott.
Prediction for who gets voted off my screen: Nadia.

To be fair, I think that Scott was better than Carrie. Carrie definitely deserves to be in the bottom 3, but she has so many fans that isn't going to happen.

Update: Results Show Recap

Posted by jkhat at April 12, 2005 08:09 PM

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