May 03, 2005

First a few words on the big Idol expose on ABC tomorrow. Unless they reveal that the voting is bogus, I think it's much ado about nothing. We all already know that the producers and judges play favorites. This season, we saw tons of Carrie and Constantine right from the beginning. In Season One, the early episodes were all about Justin & Tamyra, but that didn't stop Kelly from winning. In the end, we have the final say.

On to tonight. Ryan berates us for not voting for Constantine and introduces the themes (contestants will sing twice) of the evening - songs by Leiber & Stoller and songs on the charts this week. I never heard of Leiber & Stoller before, but the show helpfully highlights some of their songs - lots of Elvis and rockabilly.

Federov kicks off with "Poison Ivy". He starts off just terrible, but then he gets into it, remembers that he's performing for an audience and suddenly it's like watching a nice lounge act. Federov could be the next Tom Jones. Heh, maybe he should try to sing "Piano Man" if he's around next week ;-)

Randy: Out of tune, but then got better. Federov talks back a little, not a good move my sweet, little Ukranian boy.
Paula: "You had fun". In other words, she didn't like him but she's afraid to criticize him because then people will think she's sleeping with him. Or not sleeping with him. I dunno.
Simon: An insipid, amateur performance
Kris: It was amateurish, but in a good way. I liked it.

Heh. Ryan just refered to him as "Federov" too. He's just not an "Anthony".

Punkass sings "On Broadway" as a "f*ck you" to Simon. Punkass. Uh oh. Scott can't hit the low notes in the song. He also makes some absolutely terrifying faces while he sings. That's some kind of scary, but the crowd loves him anyway, I guess.

Randy: Had some bad notes, which causes Punkass to argue and pout.
Paula: Says he has moxie. While she says this, Simon is giving her the "loser" symbol with his fingers.
Simon: Compares him to Houdini, but says it was his best performance.
Kris: I think Simon was just being nice to him this week so there won't be an anti-Simon backlash of voters for him.

Vonzell sings some Elvis ("Treat Me Right"?), but it doesn't sound a damn thing like Elvis to me. She's bopping around and having fun, doing her Vonzell thing. Looks like she learned her lesson last week and isn't going back to boring ballads.

Randy: Loved it, even though he didn't know the song.
Paula: She should be snapped up by Broadway
Simon: A mess - childish and cutesy
Kris: It was childish, but in a fun way. Simon's wrong on this one.

It's time for Bo who will sing "Stand By Me". Ugh. Boring. Well, Bo's dirty tonight, so maybe I should take that back as you all know how much I love "Dirty Bo". Hmm, but you know what, this is ugh and boring until the very end, when Bo suddenly turns into a "rocker" again and wails out a good finish.

Randy: Thinks it was the right song
Paula: Parrots Randy on the song choice. He "colored it with Bo". Whatever that means.
Simon: Loved the song choice
Kris: I thought it was a terrible song choice, until he remembered to show some passion at the end.

James' girl Carrie is next. She's singing "Trouble" by Elvis. It's a sassy song and Carrie is doing it justice tonight. She handles the tempo change in the middle of the song like an expert. She's overdoing the growling a little bit, but this is still far and away the performance of the night so far.

Randy: Knows who she is and picked the right song.
Paula: So much fun. Paula's favorite.
Simon: Loved her too.
Kris: She still has her good voice, but she's really learned how to perform in the last few weeks.

Now onto songs from this week's Billboard charts. I wonder if anyone has the balls to do one of Kelly Clarkson's hits? I kind of hope so.

Act II begins with Federov who sings something I don't know. My guess is that it's called "Incomplete". Whatever it is, it sucks. It actually sounds exactly like a single Federov would put out if he won. Hmmm, maybe I don't want him to win. I like him, but I don't want to have to listen to this crap on the radio.

Randy: Heh, Randy called him "Federov" too. 5/10 compared to the Backstreet Boys version. Wait, the Backstreet Boys are still on the charts? Really?
Paula: You did a good job.
Simon: You did well. Maybe they're being nice to Federov because it could come down to Anthony and Scott tomorrow?
Kris: I like Federov, but I hated this song.

Punkass thinks his fashion consultant is making him more appealing to people. Well, when you start from zero you can only go up. I don't know what Savol is singing, but it had the word "homie" in it, so that cracks me up a little. It's a typical Scott performance: crappy verses, decent chorus.

Randy: He pulled it off. Scott classlessly applauds himself.
Paula: She has joy watching his joy. Really. That's what she said
Simon: Punkass tells Simon he's not going home. Simon tells him he was flat. I think Scott just got a contract at "Hubris Records", to steal a phrase from Shack at Television Without Pity.
Kris: Oh please America, get this Punkass off my screen. Please. I beg you.

The Vonz takes the stage again and unfortunately she really didn't learn anything from last week. She's singing some damn ballad. And, what's worse is that she's not even hitting the notes. She's singing that "When You Tell Me That You Love Me" song. Haven't we heard enough of the Tsunami Tsingles? Why torture us again, Vonzell?

Randy: A perfect vocal
Paula: I love the song
Simon: It wasn't the perfect vocal and she's vulnerable.
Kris: Why a ballad, Vonzell? Why? It's your fault if Scott's here again next week.

Bo sings "How Far Is Heaven" by Los Lonely Boys, which is a song I actually know for a change. I like this song, but it's more the song for pot smoking Bo, not passionate Bo. I much prefer passionate Bo. He must have sensed me writing that last line, because he kicks it up a notch and rocks out a bit at the end. Way to go, Bo.

Randy: He's the captain of the dawg pound.
Paula: You rule.
Simon: He's performing like the real thing and making other contestants look like amateurs.
Kris: If he's captain of the dawg pound, wouldn't that just make him the alpha dog? The "captain of the dawg pound" makes me think of that bulldog on Bugs Bunny that wore the tiny little sailor hat.

It's up to our dear Carrie to finish the night off with a bang, not a whimper. Carrie's singing some country song. It's probably about a woman done wrong. Or Mama. Or prison. Or trains. Or trucks. Or gettin' drunk. Whatever it is, Carrie's showing her range (and she's really the only contestant left that has any range) and doing a fine job of singing it.

Randy: Another great, perfect performance. It's hot (who needs Paris?)
Paula: Eloquent and perfect.
Simon: Beautiful, if a little robotic.
Kris: I'd like Carrie so much better if she'd stop smiling while she sings these sad songs. Is that too much to ask?

I doubt they'll have a bottom three this week, so I'll pick the bottom two. My bottom two: Punkass and Federov.
My predicted final two: Federov & Vonzell.

Sadly, Federov will be eliminated.

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Posted by kris at May 3, 2005 08:00 PM

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