Let's Make A Deal - For A State
June 05, 2005
Posted by at June 5, 2005 08:13 PM
The trackback entry for this page is : http://www.inthehat.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/936
A few weeks ago, we posted a link to a funny article in the Weekly World News about how President Bush was planning on selling Hawaii in order to finance the War on Terror. Well, that got me to thinking. What would happen if we tried to sell off some of our states? How much would they cost? What are their various assets and liabilities? Who would want them?
I put together the chart in the extended entry below. The price is simply based on an estimate of the state's 2005 Gross State Product. Keep in mind that I didn't factor in things like growth potential or brand equity. Then, I thought about what the state had to offer and who, if money were no object, would be the likely buyer. Take a look...
| State & Price | Assets | Liabilities | Likely Buyer |
| 1. California $1.6 trillion |
US Hwy 1, Yosemite, San Diego | Earthquakes, mudslides, Hollywood |
Mexico, but it'd have to borrow the money from illegal aliens working in America |
| 2. Texas $900 billion |
Beef, oil, cowboys
|
Negative brand image in the worldwide market | Texans would pool their funds, purchase themselves and establish the Republic of Texas |
| 3. New York $880 billion
|
Wall Street, museums, Broadway | ABC, NBC & CBS News headquarters | The Dutch and Native Americans pool their resources for the asking price, plus some beads |
| 4. Florida $614 billion |
Sunshine, beaches, a growing population | Hurricanes, dumb voters, the humidity
|
George Soros, since he's already spent so much trying to buy it in the last two elections |
| 5. Illinois $527 billion |
Ronald Reagan's and James K. Hat's birthplace, amazing architecture, toll roads | Bad drivers, the cursed Cubs, their fans | Oprah: the Land of Lincoln becomes the
Land of Oprah
|
| 6. Pennsylvania $495 billion |
The Liberty Bell, Gettysburg, chocolate
|
Nasty sports fans, dying industries, annoying groundhogs, Terrell Owens | The Amish. Don't you wonder why they really don't spend any money on modern conveniences? They've been saving up! |
| 7. New Jersey $435 billion |
The Jersey shore, the Boardwalk, Jon Bon Jovi | Mall hair, Miss America competition, Bruce
Springsteen
|
England. Culturally, they don't work, but the wacky Brits like the idea of having New Jersey and Old Jersey |
| 8. Ohio $434 billion |
Control of the Ohio River, Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame, birthplace of many Presidents (there's something in the water) | Impatient voters, turncoat Senators, the Cuyahoga River | The former Confederate States of America:
in order to wreck havoc on the birthplace of both Sherman & Grant
|
| 9. Michigan $395 billion
|
Cars, cherries, blueberries | Yoopers, Madonna, lack of native wolverines | Israel, it's already the Michigan of the Middle East, and it's time to expand |
| 10. Georgia $350 billion |
Augusta National, peaches, pecans
|
Bad reputation lingers from the 1996 Olympics, CNN, runaway brides | The european Georgians make a bid for the state of georgia and set out to balkanize the surrounding states |
| 11. North Carolina $345 billion |
Research Triangle, college basketball dynasties, furniture | Tobacco, John Edwards | Poland thinks Mike Krzyzewski would
make a great President
|
| 12. Virginia $341 billion |
The ponies of Chincoteague and Assateague Islands, Mt.
Vernon, Monticello & John Tant
|
PDA from all the pesky lovers, pollution caused by extra AOL CDs | Daniel Snyder tries to buy it, but fails when the good people of Virginia rise up and do what Redskins fans have been unable to - revolt! |
| 13. Massachusetts $317 billion |
Birthplace of the Revolution, great universities, shoes | The Kennedy clan, inferior cranberries, Red
Sox fans
|
Russia - who will use it as a training ground for future communist hardliners |
| 14. Washington $271 billion
|
Access to coffee, lumber (need some wood?), leads the nation in production of a huge number of fruits | Mt. St. Helens, rain, Seattle public schools | Silicon Valley pools together, buys the state and closes down the evil empire in Redmond |
| 15. Maryland $235 billion |
Crab cakes, US Naval Academy, Ocean City | Baltimore, hideous flag, strange shape | Donald Trump, because Baltimore presents
the ultimate challenge of turning a shithole into something better
|
| 16. Minnesota $234 billion |
Ole & Lena jokes, Target, the Boundary Waters | Lutefisk, the culture of losing embodied by
the Vikings, the winters
|
Norway - Vikings flock together |
| 17. Indiana $234 billion |
The Brickyard, heavy industry, Touchdown Jesus
|
Gary, flat land, inexplicable southern accents | Michael Jordan, but only because he couldn't get Illinois or North Carolina |
| 18. Tennessee $221 billion
|
Jack Daniels, Beale Street, music heritage | Elvis freaks at Graceland, association with the Arrested Development song | Ireland, as they attempt to corner the world's whiskey market |
| 19. Wisconsin $220 billion |
Beer, brats & Bucky
|
Perpetual construction, cold weather, bad neighbors | Wisconsinites purchase the state and reform it as a nonprofit corporation, like the Packers |
| 20. Missouri $210 billion |
Hannibal, the Gateway Arch, the Ozarks | Budweiser, ultra-snooty Journalism school, Meth production | McDonalds can pick it up so it can build
another arch and make the whole M
|
| 21. Arizona $205 billion
|
Painted Desert, Petrified Forest, Grand Canyon | Lack of water, unchecked illegal immigration | Lebanon - they're ready to just get the hell out of the Middle East |
| 22. Colorado $204 billion |
Skiing, Mountain biking, Rocky Mountain scenery | Shaky law enforcement (see Columbine, Kobe
Bryant & Jon Benet Ramsey), Coors, no Avalanche
|
The Netherlands-they could use some mountains and could dominate the Winter Olympics in both skiing and speed skating |
| 23. Connecticut $186 billion |
Yale University, the arsenal of the nation, ESPN
|
Lack of major sports team, overshadowed by more dynamic neighbors | Canada-they could use an arsenal, and they know what it's like to be overshadowed by neighbors |
| 24. Louisiana $159 billion |
Mississippi River port, cajun & creole food, Laura Curtis | New Orleans cesspool, extreme vulnerability to hurricanes | France-for the cuisine alone
|
| 25. Alabama $146 billion
|
Plenty of American Idol candidates, Rocket scientists, Civil Rights heritage | "Sweet Home Alabama" gets old pretty quick | Brazil-Alabama is the fattest state, but Brazilians like big butts and they cannot lie |
| 26. Kentucky $144 billion |
Horses, bourbon & prime Ohio River real
estate
|
Not all Kentucky girls look like Daisy Duke in their daisy dukes, the excellent Oldenburg Brewery no longer exists | Sheik Mohammed, of Dubai would like to add Kentucky's horse country to his portfolio |
| 27. South Carolina $138 billion
|
Coolest state flag, the nation's only commercial tea plantation, tons of beautiful Islands | Started the Civil War (may be considered a plus by many readers) | Serbia-as they share an unfortunate talent for starting wars |
| 28. Oregon $131 billion |
Spectacular windsurfing, incredible natural variety (mountains, coast, etc.), boysenberries and loganberries | Tsunami vulnerability, Cape Disappointment was not named ironically |
Nike, who will rename the state "Swoosh": |
| 29. Iowa $113 billion |
Corn, soybeans, Norman Borlaug | Hogs, and we're not just talking livestock, who in the hell eats corn? | Bono-in a last ditch attempt to literally
"feed the world"
|
| 30. Oklahoma $112 billion |
Oil, natural gas, Cowboy Hall of Fame | Consistently overrated football teams, named after cheaters | Argentina can get more of the world's
beef market and they too aren't afraid to glorify cheaters (Maradona's
"Hand of God" goal anyone?)
|
| 31. Nevada $103 billion
|
Viva Las Vegas, gold, the Hoover Dam | Driest state, divorce capital of the nation, annual invasion by freaky Burning Man people | Sweden-just imagine all the taxes they could collect |
| 32. Kansas $102 billion |
Wheat, the nation's leading producer of helium, Old West history | Tornados, "We're not in Kansas anymore"
means we're somewhere interesting
|
Iraq-they've had enough excitement |
| 33. Arkansas $83 billion |
America's only active diamond mine, chicken, Hot Springs | Doesn't like to obey the US Supreme Court, the Clintons | Wal-Mart, new name will be Wal-Markansas
|
| 34. Utah $82 billion |
Moab, minerals, lots of National Parks
|
Mistaken impression that everyone's a Mormon, hotter than hell | George Lucas, who will rename it "Tatooine" |
| 35. Mississippi $79 billion |
Brett Favre, cotton, Natchez
Trace
|
Poorest state in the country | Rupert Murdoch, causing many jeers and laughs, but no ones laughing 20 years later when he turns it into the most successful and profitable state EVER, knocking NY and CA off their ivory pedestals |
| 36. District of Columbia $77 billion
|
Museums, the National Mall, James K. Hat | Students scored the lowest on the SAT, crackheads hold important offices | Smith & Wesson buy the District and rename all the athletic teams: Bullet Wizards, Bullet Redskins, you get the idea |
| 37. Nebraska $63 billion |
Cows, forage grass, citizens who are unafraid of deer in their local Wal-Mart | Lack of trees, rural flight
|
China-they've got a lot of folks to feed |
| 38. New Mexico $55 billion
|
Nukes, uranium, natural beauty | The mere existence of a "state question" ("red or green") shows that the state government is clearly bloated | Iran, but strictly to pursue the benefits of nuclear energy |
| 39. New Hampshire $54 billion |
"Live free or die", granite, Lake Winnipesaukee is just plain fun to say | "The
Old Man of the Mountain" is no more, declining manufacturing sector
|
Hungary-they understand what "Live Free or Die" really means. |
| 40. Hawaii $54 billion
|
Pineapples, pure cane sugar, coffee, perfect weather | Isolated, nothing to talk about in elevators | Japan, because if at first you don't succeed... |
| 41. Delaware $53 billion |
Chemicals, chicken
|
Took 40 years to ratify the 13th Amendment | South Africa-it took 40 years to get rid of Apartheid, so it won't hold that against Delaware |
| 42. West Virginia $51 billion |
Coal, steel, glass, hillbillies
|
Barely ranks ahead of DC in educational achievement, high rural poverty rate | Palestine. West Virginia is, after all, "almost heaven", and it's a lot easier to be a buyer than a martyr. |
| 43. Rhode Island $45 billion |
Jewelry manufacturing, sailing | It's just a tiny little thing
|
Liechtenstein, which would become nearly 17 times larger with the acquisition |
| 44. Maine $45 billion
|
Acadia National Park, lobster, Pete's Wicked Ale | They're mainiacs up there! | Maine will be the first purchase of an independent Quebec |
| 45. Idaho $44 billion |
Potatoes, silver, the Sawtooth wolf pack | Aryan Nations compounds, Boise State's sacrilegious
blue football fields
|
Bill Gates: once they shut down Redmond, he'll move operations here |
| 46. Alaska $35 billion |
Seafood, natural gas, abundant wildlife
|
Lack of women, earthquakes, the weather | Bangladesh-screw the weather, they just want to be able to spread out |
| 47. South Dakota $30 billion |
Badlands, Mt. Rushmore, Crazy Horse Memorial
|
Ugly Black Hills gold jewelry, the Corn Palace started a strange trend | Iceland. Ironically, they think it must be a tropical place since it has "south" in its name |
| 48. Montana $29 billion
|
Mining, Glacier National Park, wheat & barley | In the movie 'Star Trek: First Contact', Montana is the location of the historical first contact between humans and an alien race, the Vulcans, so there's a danger the state could be overrun by nerdy Trekkies at some point | The free-spirited people of Australia will feel right at home in their newly acquired Big Sky Country. Plus, the Crocodile Hunter will get all new wildlife to play with. |
| 49. Wyoming $27 billion |
Yellowstone National Park, national leader in promoting equality for women, oil, natural gas | Gets less than 10 inches of rain a year, state seems to count on Harrison Ford for emergency rescues and he won't always be around | Saudi Arabia, who will teach those uppity
votin' bitches a lesson
|
| 50. North Dakota $25 billion |
The Fighting Sioux hockey team, wheat, great
hunting
|
Extreme weather conditions, declining population | Germany - it will exile neo-Nazis here. They'll fit in well at Englestad arena.. |
| 51. Vermont $23 billion |
Maple syrup, skiing, marble
|
Howard Dean, mud season, socialist politics | Belgium, and it will create the Haagen-Daz/Ben & Jerry's Empire of the Ice Cream |
Posted by at June 5, 2005 08:13 PM
The trackback entry for this page is : http://www.inthehat.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/936
| Trackback Entries |
Comments
| # June 5th, 2005 11:15 PM james |
| personally, i think that elvis fans are a benefit. |
| # June 5th, 2005 11:47 PM kris |
| Yeah, I know. I actually had a hard time coming up with bad things to say about Tennessee. |
| # June 5th, 2005 11:51 PM james |
| GR lives there.
that cant be great.  |
| # June 6th, 2005 12:01 AM kris |
| Oh dammit, I blew a perfect opportunity to angle for an Instalanche! |
| # June 11th, 2005 11:54 PM mbrlr |
| Little Rock had two major racial riots or situations where white folks went just abundantly crazy in the 20th century, once in 1927 and once in 1957. Compared to the rest of the South, that's not bad, but still shameful and there were enough "little" sins to get us into Purgatory for many, many, many, many years, but be aware that the opposition to desegration in Little Rock and the upper South was actually not quite as vehement as in the lower South, including some portions of Southeast and East Arkansas. Some places in Arkansas desegregated earlier --- for details of one such district, see the recent memoir published by Dale Bumpers, one of our former governors and recently one of our Senators. |