July 15, 2005

The staff here at Dummocrats is really enjoying the Tour de France. But, we're a little embarrassed to admit this because it's, you know, in France. But we got to thinking, maybe some of the Tour's charm comes from its location and it just wouldn't be the same anywhere else. In fact, we shudder to think about what the Tour de France would be like if it were the Tour d'America.

Here are the top ten ways we think the Tour de France would be different if it were held in America.

11. On big climbs, riders would be hampered by the smoke coming off of 1000's of grills from enthusiastic tailgaters.

10. Crazy moonbats would use the Tour as another venue to protest something or another. You can bet that someone would be holding up a "Bush lied. People died" sign every 100 yards.

That's right, we said yards, not metres.

9. Michelle Wie would attempt to compete in it.

8. Celebratory champagne flutes would be filled with Miller High Life, the champagne of beers.

7. Expert commentary: baseball has Bob Uecker. Football has John Madden. Basketball has Larry Bird. Bicycling has Pee Wee Herman.

6. There would be a kickin' halftime show featuring Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera, and Ludacris doing really, really, really sucky remake of Queen's "Bicycle Race."

5. The tour would threaten to move to Canada unless new roads and hills were built.

4. New design for the Yellow Jersey:

3. McDonalds would do some clever merchandising of their latest product: McGu.

2. Cool French phrases like HC, domestiques and maillot jaune replaced with street slang. HC=badassss, domestiques=homeys, maillot jaune=yellow threads.

1. And the number one thing that would be different if the tour was held in America:

Europeans would instantly start hating it, poo-pooing and deriding cycling as being inferior; "not a real sport - not like soccer."

Posted by at July 15, 2005 05:30 PM

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