July 25, 2005

One of the more amusing stories I've read lately is the tale of a Kenyan man who's fallen head over heels for Chelsea Clinton and is offering 20 cattle and 40 goats for her hand in marriage. While I'm not the biggest fan of the Clintons, by all accounts they did well by Chelsea, as she seems to be a delightful young woman. As such, I think they could get much more for her. In fact, I think she's probably among the top five most valuable Presidential children. The whole story got me to thinking about what some of the other famous and infamous Presidential children might really be worth.

13. Ron Reagan: once Ron Reagan stood up at the Democratic National Convention last summer, he truly became a traitor to his father's legacy. Now, of course Ron is his own man and he's entitled to his own opinions. But, the only reason anyone listens to those opinions is because of who his father is. He's using his father's good name to spout off about liberal causes his father would have wanted no part of. That's terrible. So terrible that I think the Reagans would consider paying someone to take him off their hands, not the other way around.

12. Neil Bush: for the elder Bush's ne'er-do-well son, we think a game of Monopoly would be an acceptable offer. The Bush's probably wouldn't miss the potential embarassment caused by some of Neil's questionable business activities and I bet they'd enjoy Monopoly, a game they probably couldn't play in Neil's presence after his role in the S&L scandals.

11. Amy Carter: as the rather homely, hippieish daughter of one of our most unpopular Presidents, I don't think Amy's worth all that much. In a homage to the movie Almost Famous, I'd suggest that $50 and a case of Billy Beer would be enough for her.

10. Julie Nixon Eisenhower: you'd think she'd rank higher on this list, but I think she's just past her prime. The spotlight was on her when she married President Eisenhower's grandson and then again for a little bit after the death of her parents. But, while she's done nothing wrong, the cache of her once magical name is gone. I'd trade her straight up for Harvard Med School student Vanessa Kerry or her sister Alexandra.

9. Patti Davis: on one hand, was the Reagan family's black sheep. On the other hand, she did reconcile with her family before Ronald Reagan's death. Good for her. Actions like that will ensure that her family wouldn't let her go so cheaply. Since "there's nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse", we think the rest of the Reagans might accept a promising California-based racehorse, like the two-year olf filly A.P. Warrior, in exchange for Patti. Oh, and they'd have to throw in a few bags of jellybeans. ;-)

8. Dorothy Bush Koch: is the stealth Presidential daughter. She doesn't do anything to embarass her family, but maybe that's just because she's stayed away from the limelight. She's a Pioneer fundraiser for her brother George and would probably do the same for her brother Jeb and her nieces Jenna and Barbara if and when they choose to run for office. So, Dorothy's worth a lot, if I were the Bushes I wouldn't let her go for less than a brand spanking new yacht for the Bush Compound.

7. Michael Reagan: if Patti Davis is worth an up and coming thoroughbred, then her brother, the conservative talk show host, is worth at least a good thoroughbred stallion, I'd suggest Holy Bull (because the President certainly took no bull ;-) and two bags of jellybeans!

6. Steven Ford: fans of The Young and the Restless know the still-handsome Steven Ford better as Andy Richards. Others will recognize him from such movies as When Harry Met Sally, Starship Troopers and Black Hawk Down. For a Presidential kid, Ford's been quite a success. For him, I think I'd accept nothing less than Newman Enterprises, J'Abbot Cosmetics and Chancellor Industries!

5. Jenna Bush: while Jenna certainly has the potential to be nothing more than a scandal-ridden obstacle for her quieter sister Barbara, she also seems to have the common touch that her parents posess, and her grandfather famously lacked. She could be a huge boozehound in the making, or she could have the brightest future of any of the Bushes. As such, she's worth a lot, but probably not as much as her sister. Plus, there's the whole blond vs. brunette thing, but I'm not going to get into that. For now let's just say that Jenna, as a UT girl, probably wouldn't mind being sent to Oklahoma football coach Bob Stoops for a promise that this year Texas will beat the Sooners return to the Rose Bowl, this time to play for the National Championship.

4. Jeb Bush: as the Governor of Florida, Jeb's already one hot commodity. Factor in his potential and it's clear that he's worth a lot. In fact, I wouldn't settle for anything less than several Carribean islands. I might originally ask for Cuba, but that's just bargaining. I think he could be had for a combination of Aruba, Saint Kitts, and Turks and Caicos.

3. Caroline Kennedy: has inherited great wealth from her ancestors and, luckily for her, she appears to have inherited a touch of class from her mother. I'm sure she's a raging liberal like the rest of the clan, but she's a raging liberal with a magical name, a whole lot of panache and a great head of hair. If her uncle Teddy made the deal, we suspect Caroline could be had for a good bottle of Irish whiskey (or two), but I wouldn't let her go for less than all of old Ulster.

2. Barbara Bush appears to be much like her aunt Dorothy. She's smart (a Yale grad), but shies from the limelight. Given her brains, beauty and family connections, the sky's the limit for young Barbara. She's got tremendous upside potential. So, if Bushhitler, Cheney and Halliburton don't succeed in stealing all of the Middle East's oil for their own sinister purposes, perhaps they can get it in exchange for Barbara. It seems like it'd be a good deal for everyone. Well, everyone but Barbara that is.

1. Finally (and obviously) we come to most valuable Presidential child of them all: George W. Bush. What would it take to acquire an actual American President? Well, the cynics and moonbats among us would say that President Bush has already been bought by evil corporate America. The romantics among us would say that Bush can't be sold because he already belongs to his dear Laura (awww). But I would just say that like the MasterCard commercials have taught us, somethings are priceless ;-)

Wow, I haven't written anything so nice about the President in awhile. I think the silly liberal attacks against him (he's too fit!, his Supreme Court nominees are too nicely dressed!) are making me like him more than I normally would. Keep it up guys.

Posted by kris at July 25, 2005 01:05 PM

    The trackback entry for this page is : http://www.inthehat.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/1002