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  • Survivor Guatemala: Snap Judgements of the Latest Cast & Our New TV Project

       August 27, 2005

    We are launching a new all-TV site, Zebrality. At Zebrality, we'll publish recaps and commentary on a slew of TV shows. We'll continue to cross post some of that here at Dummocrats (like this post, for example), but if you like our recaps, be sure to check out Zebrality for even more. And, if you're interested in writing recaps, please let us know. We'd love more contributors and finally, once you've taken a look at the site, we'd love to hear your suggestions. It's still a work in progress, so please pass on your comments about it below.

    Now on to more of the good stuff. I really liked the first couple seasons of Survivor. But lately, the players are just too damn self-righteous and they act appalled, appalled that some people are actually going to try to outwit or outlast them for a million dollars. The nerve!

    But, with each new season, there's always the chance that someone will break out and make the show interesting again. CBS has the new cast bios up, so let's take a look at the new Survivors and ponder what the season may bring.

    Amy is a 39-year old cop from Revere, MA. Hmmm, do you think she gets a lot of "one if by land, two if by sea" jokes? She's a jock who's played professional football, but her bio does mention a husband, so I don't think she's the season's token gay player. I'm inclined to like Amy because she shares my birthday, but, she thinks she'll be great at Survivor because she's a good motivator. Oh dear, that could spell trouble. People are going to hate her if she's bossing them around. I don't think playing bad cop is going to work for her here.

    Blake is a 24-year old real estate broker/model from Dallas. Why are so many people on reality TV something-slash-models. Ugly people are interesting too, you know. Anyway, Blake lists one of his favorite colors as "camouflage", so I immediately dislike him. That's just needlessly obnoxious. Ugh, he also lists "kissing" as one of his three favorite activities. Is this guy for real? Can anyone be that cheesy? Blake thinks he'll excel at Survivor because of his competitive drive. But, he also states that he's not the type of person to scheme and backstab. Uh, why are you in the game then? The damn non-schemers make for boring TV. The Survivor casting director really needs to weed some of these people out and make room for some hardcore players.

    Brandon is 22-year old farmer/rancher from Manhattan, KS. On one hand, Brandon completely turns me off by saying that one of his favorite scents (of course, that's also an incredibly stupid question) is "the scent of a woman", but on the other hand, his other favorite scent is freshly cut grass. Yay! I love the smell of freshly cut grass too. I'm just going to assume that CBS screwed up and that scent of a woman answer was really from Blake. It certainly sounds like Blake. But back to Brandon. His bio doesn't have much about how he intends to play the game, but you do get the impression that Brandon is nothing but an outdoorsy, fun-lovin' young guy. I like him. I don't know if he'll be a good player, but I'll root for him at first.

    Brian is a 22-year old "Ivy League Student" from New York City. First off, let's just say it, Brian looks like a member of (as Big Brother's Howie would say) the Nerd Herd. I'm also sure that he's the token gay, as he lists his favorite color as "deep teal". Come on, no straight man would say that. When you delve deeper into his bio, however, Brian suddenly becomes interesting. He promises to check his ethics at the door and claims that his "background in psychology will allow me to pinpoint people's insecurities and weaknesses and to manipulate them to my advantage." Well, hey, good luck with that Brian.

    Brianna is a 21-year old make-up counter girl from Edmonds, WA. Brianna is counting on her ability to use a Hawaiian sling to help her in the game. I don't know if that's great strategy. Richard Hatch didn't win because he could fish, he won because he was sneaky, set up a good alliance and won some crucial immunities. The game really isn't about surviving in the wild, which is something too many of these contestants can't seem to get through their thick skulls. Brianna is on the show to "test her own self willingness". I have no idea what that even means.

    Brooke is a 26-year old law student from Hood River, OR. Actually, according to her bio, she graduated from Pepperdine in May. I wonder if she knows Ken Starr? She lists one of her favorite books as George Orwell's "Animal Farm", so I think it's safe to assume that she's not a communist. Whew! Brooke grew up on a farm, so maybe she and Brandon can form an alliance based on that. Actually, if Brandon was a little bit older, he'd be the perfect guy from Brooke. Just read their bios!

    Cindy is a 31-year old zookeeper from Naples, FL. She lists one of her favorite outdoor activities as "yard work". For some reason, I think this is hilarious. Cindy admits to having a short fuse and wants to fight for her beliefs. Hmm, based on that, Cindy sounds like the girl most likely to rub everyone the wrong way immediately. She could be our first boot.

    Danni is a 30-year old sports radio talk show host from Tonganoxie, KS. She'd be quite beautiful is she'd close her mouth. Seriously. I hate those people that walk around with their mouths half open all of the time. Anyway, Danni is a true Sporty Spice as she lists "PTI" as one of her favorite TV shows. Well, she has good taste. Danni was first runner-up in the 1996 Miss USA pageant. Unfortunately for Danni, the winner that year must have been able to fulfill all of her duties as Miss USA, so Danni never got her shot at the crown. Where's a newly unearthed porn tape when you need one, eh Danni? So, Danni is beautiful (when she keeps her mouth closed) and is a sports nut. From that I think we can deduce that the rest of the women will hate her but the men will love her. Look for Danni to form a quick alliance with a bunch of the boys, with the most likely suspect being...

    Gary (Hogeboom) is a 47-year old ex-NFL quarterback from Grand Haven, MI. He played with the Cowboys, Colts, Redskins & Cardinals. Gary thinks he can win Survivor because of his outdoor skills and because he's a hard-working team player. Do these people even watch the show? Gary starts the game with a huge strike against him because people will assume he doesn't need the money. If he's smart he'll tell people he's just "Gary from MI" and play the nice old man game.

    Jamie is a 24-year old water ski instructor from North Hollywood, CA. "Water ski instructor"? Yeah, right, he's probably a porn star. Aha! I'm right. His bio says that he's considering a career in acting and has appeared on "All My Children" and other "various productions". We all know what "various productions" means. Jamie thinks he'll win Survivor because of his uncanny ability to read and connect to people. Well, if that's true that could help, but I bet he just thinks that because he has an identical twin and they can do all that freaky twin stuff together. I doubt he has that ability with other people.

    Jim is a 63-year old retired fire captain from Northglenn, OH. What's with all the firemen on reality TV shows? Shouldn't they be busy putting out flames and saving kittens in trees? Wow, Jim is an interesting guy. In his spare time he's building a jet turbine sport helicopter. I'm not sure how that skill will help him in Survivor though. I guess if the goal of the game was to get off the island he'd be all set. From his bio alone, he's my 2nd favorite player (behind Brandon) so far.

    Judd is a 34-year old hotel doorman from Ridgefield, NJ. I suspect Judd was cast to be the show's fat & funny guy. Oddly enough, Judd's bio is the third one that mentions that a contestant has an identical twin. I can think of some interesting twists that could come from that. Oh, I like Judd. He lists his dad as his hero because he started a successful cheese business in the basement, served in Vietnam and had five kids. Unfortunately, Judd's dad died when he was just 33. Wow, he certainly did a lot with his time. Judd thinks he's a strong leader and that he can keep everyone laughing. Actually, on Survivor I think keeping people entertained is probably a more important skill that keeping people full. Judd seems like a promising Survivor. I'm putting him in my "like" pile.

    Lydia is a 42-year old fishmonger from Lakewood, WA. What in the world is a fishmonger? I have no idea. Lydia's favorite Survivor is Rupert (gag-I couldn't stand friggin' Rupert after about 10 minutes) and her hero is Oprah. You know, I suspect that's all we really need to know about Lydia. Let's move it along.

    Margaret is a 43-year old family nurse practitioner from Chardon, OH. Margaret spent time in Aeromedical nursing, so perhaps she and Jim could bond over their love of helicopters. Margaret's bio doesn't give us any clues about how she might play the game, although I'm sure she'll try to do so with integrity. Can you tell I'm rolling my eyes?

    Morgan is 21-year old magician's assistant/waitress from Decator, IL. Morgan is like a breath of fresh air because she admits she can be conniving and wants to do so all while making everyone around her think she's a sweet team player. That's hard to do, of course, but it's a noble goal. She's probably going to be that annoying girl on the show, but for now I like her.

    Finally, we come to Rafe. Rafe is 22-year old "Ivy League Student" from Providence, RI. What's up with labeling these people as "Ivy League Students"? Either name the college or just call them "students". Rafe is a Mormon and he's kind of a freak as he's most proud of his ability to play "Ode to Joy" with his toes. Weirdo. Although, I have to say, in Survivor, sometimes the weird go very far.

    So that's it for the announced cast. The big rumor is that this year's twist will be that there are two additional Survivors: Stephenie and Bobby Jon from last season will join the rest of the group in Guatemala. I guess we'll see if that pans out. I'm betting it will, but I'm also betting that they won't last long. The rest of the cast will (rightly) note that they already had their chance to win.

    Posted by at August 27, 2005 12:11 PM

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