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  • MTV's Video Music Awards-The First Hour

       August 28, 2005

    We are live blogging the VMAs over at Zebrality. Here's a look at the first hour of the show.

    MTV may not play music anymore, but it does play host to the biggest show in music. I remember when MTV first started. Our cable company was one of the first ones to get MTV. In fact, the very first MTV contest winner was from Stevens Point, Wisconsin.

    Anyway, on with the show. Green Day kicks it off. Why do rock stars wear eyeliner? I know they want to all look weird and alternative, but why heavy eyeliner? Why not borrow the devil guy from the Tour de France's outfit for the night or something? Anyway, Green Day finishes up in a blaze of glory as the stage behind them is suddenly filled with shooting flames. Fire!

    Diddy (P. Diddy no more) is hosting the show. Are you serious? Couldn't they get a bigger star than that? My God, how self-important is this freak? He's dressed in an all-white suit and emerges on the stage to the sampled strains of Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax". Not that he'll acknowledge that it's not even his own music. If he had a sense of humor, he would have at least rolled up in a Pepsi delivery truck.

    The stage is filled with half-naked female dancers for what will undoubtably not be the last time tonight. Where are the half-naked men for us female and non-traditional male viewers?

    The first presenters of the evening are Nelly and Lindsay Lohan. Good thing for Lindsay that she's way too old for Nelly. She also looks like she might have eaten a sandwich in the last couple of weeks. Good for her. Best female video goes to Kelly Clarkson. Yay! Kanye West wins one for the boys. Kelly's looking gorgeous in a light gold dress. And, heh, Gwen Stefani is looking pissed that she lost. Awesome!

    Oooh, Snoop Dog is in the house! He licks his lips rather lasciviously as Kelly gives her acceptance speech. She could do worse.

    Hey, it's the return of Beavis & Butthead. I miss those dumbasses. Fire!

    Ludacris is up next with a live performance. Admittedly, this isn't my style of music, so I've maybe heard this song once. It seems to be full of "hey"s and "yo"s. No "ho"s yet. Maybe that's later. Once again the stage is full of half-naked women, although they're apparently Brazilian dancers, so that's actually kind of cool. They're "pimping all over the world".

    To prove he's cool, Diddy now goes on a profanity rampage. Saying that he's too classy to say all the words he's now saying. What a punk? Seriously, I just absolutely hate him. Although I do like his gray velvet suit jacket. Diddy is also giving away a $100,000 cash to the charity of choice for the best-dressed performers at the show. He's choosing between: Usher, Kanye West, Snoop, Eva Longoria, Ann Marie and Gwen Stefani. I hope Snoop wins. He's sporting an awesome hat.'s Orlando Bloom. He's a handsome devil. They are presenting the award for the Best Rock Video. I'm rooting for Weezer's Beverly Hills. I'm sure The Killers or boring Green Day will win. And the winner is Green Day. Yawn.

    As an aside, I really love the Award's teardrop logo. It's just beautiful, don't you think?

    Now there's some lame setup where a "groupie" tries to get Diddy to dance. And dance he does. When did it become important for musicians to dance? When did every thing on MTV have to include a bunch of half-naked women shaking their asses? God, I'm old, aren't I?

    Big Brother isn't the only one having a "Summer of Secrets". The VMAs have "secret" performances. And who is the big secret? It's MC Hammer doing a reworked version of "Can't Touch This". Sadly, he's not wearing the Hammer pants. What was he thinking?

    The next presenters are Jessica & Ashley Simpson. Jessica is basically wearing a black bra and panties with a white doily over it. It's needlessly bizarre. They're presenting the award for best R&B video. I'm rooting for Alicia Keys' "Karma" or for Mariah Carey because she's a big cheeseball and I can't help but kind of like her. And the winner is...Alicia Keys. She too is wearing a pale gold dress. That must be the latest trend.

    Lucky Dwayne Wade gets to present with Jessica Alba. Wade is another handsome devil. He's certainly done Marquette proud. He claims to be Miami's big daddy. That is, until Shaq comes out and eclipses him. Wow, Shaq is just huge. He just towers over Wade. They're all there to introduce Shakira. Shakira's wearing a bra and some pants and she's all about thrusting her pelvis out. I can see why some people would like her because she is hot, but would you really sit down and listen to her music without seeing her? I doubt it.

    Be sure to check out Zebrality for more coverage.

    Posted by at August 28, 2005 07:56 PM

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