You are on an individual archive page

Click here to return to the main page


Wikipedia does good things. Reward them.

The Daily Links Page
Got a link to submit?
  • New Evidence Proves First Flag Made By Betsy Ross Actually Shirt For Gay Friend
  • Colbert Leads Huntsman in S.C.
  • Polish prosecutor 'shoots self after news conference'
  • Jim Rome leaving ESPN. Bonus: Footage of Jim Rome getting attacked by Jim Everett & crying like a baby
  • Broncos, Tim Tebow stun Steelers in OT, win 29-23 in NFL playoffs
       [ 2 comments ]
  • Video: Remember 2008
       [ 1 comment ]
  • Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop faces weapon and drug charges
  • Video: Green Bay anchorman loves lamp
  • Video: Rodgers & Raji in the new Discount Double Check ad
  • Jim Rome: out of The Jungle and onto the (horse) farm
  • New IL Law Requires Photo ID To Buy Drain†Cleaner
  • Fawn Cuddles Kitten, Hearts Explode
  • The priest who changed the course of history for the worse... by rescuing four-year-old Hitler from drowning in icy river
  • Get Fit or Get Fined: Web Service Offers to Charge You for Skipping the Gym
  • Fine proposed for botching US national anthem
  • Why Best Buy is Going out of Business...Gradually
       [ 1 comment ]
  • Edina boutique takes heat for trashing $4,000-plus gowns
  • Law Student Goes 'Homeless by Choice' Touts Value of Gym Club Membership
  • VIDEO: Snoop Dogg on 'The Price Is Right'
  • Flynn and Out
       [ 3 comments ]
  • Don't put Bielema on the firing line
       [ 1 comment ]
  • Your end of the season Vikings comment thread
       [ 2 comments ]
  • Mass. budget motel fights forfeiture by feds
  • Vikings scrutinize downtown Mpls. stadium site near basilica
       [ 2 comments ]
  • Kelly Clarkson criticized on Twitter after singer endorses Ron Paul for President†
  • Political Predictions for 2012
  • We're All Doing The Best We Can
  • Video Of Little Girl Getting Pissed Off About Pink Toys Will Make Your Heart Swell
  • The 10 best sports-related Hitler Reactions of 2011
  • Happy Endings on the housing crisis
  • Why You Just Got New York Times Spam
  • There Will Be No Friday This Week In Samoa
  • The Most Hipster State In The†US
  • Online Merchants Home in on Imbibing Consumers
       [ 1 comment ]
  • On islamic fashion
       [ 1 comment ]
  • Sears as Lampert's 'Mismanaged Asset' Loses Customers to Macy's
       [ 1 comment ]
  • 5 social network predictions for 2012
  • Cheetah, chimp star of classic Tarzan movies, dies at 80
  • The Hottest Things on TV in 2011
  • Beer in cans: It's not just for Bud anymore
  • Seven Packers earn Pro Bowl selections
  • The Worst Angry Christmas Tweets In the World
       [ 2 comments ]
  • Minnesota cities try to hold back on rented housing
  • Why Iowa Shouldn't Vote First Anymore
  • Some Falcons Players Upset Drew Brees Went For The Record Last†Night
  • We've Identified Jilted Packergirl
  • With its 'W' initiative, ESPN tries to solve the equation of serving women sports fans
       [ 2 comments ]
  • Owner surprised to find cat regularly catches bus
  • Charles Barkley: Skip Bayless Has Surpassed Peter Vecsey As The Biggest Jackass In The History Of Journalism
  • Handicapping the 2011 NFL MVP Race, 2.0

     

  • Classic Dummocrats-Frenchman Interrogation Tools Uncovered

       November 08, 2005

    With the Muslim uprising in France and allegations of torture in the news again, it seemed like a good time (at least to me ;-) to revisit an old post here at Dummocrats. James wrote this back in July of 2004, and I think it's just as good today.

    -------------------------------------------------

    Two Frenchmen are alleging that they were abused during their 2 year detention in a military prison at Guantanamo Bay, saying of their experience, "We have emerged from hell." Said one of the imprisoned French terrorists:

    '"bizarre" medicines had been given to inmates at night and [sic] one caused some prisoners to break out in spots." He gave no other details.

    As you well know, we here at Dummocrats take allegations of human rights violations very seriously; that is why, upon hearing about these allegations, we immediately launched an investigation and dispatched our ace reporting staff to Paris, France, where they met with the former detainees (read: terrorist assholes) to get "'the rest of the story."

    We wanted to know, just what were these "bizzare medicines" that were given to these unfortunate souls, and why isnít the media talking about it? I'm happy to report that we've broken the story. I'm sure that Drudge will probably pick this up and it'll go mainstream, so, remember, you read it here first.

    Frenchman Interrogation Agent Number One

    This nasty substance, code-named "soap" by top government officials, has been an effective Frenchman interrogation tool throughout much of the 20th century. However, as with most tools of war, this is not your grandfather's "soap." As is plainly indicated by the "2000" designation, this heavy-duty product is definitely a weapon for the 21st century. "Because Frenchmen have increased their dirtyness over the years, we've had to come up with more effective tools," said a top-government official who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity. "1950-era soap has little or no effect on the Frenchman of today; he's developed an unbelieveably high tolerance."

    Frenchman Interrogation Agent Number Two

    This is a particularly nasty form of the "soap" interrogation tool listed above is similar, but comes in a liquid form. "Often, it's hard to get close enough to the Frenchman to use the bar form of the soap," said the same top-government official." "We're able to use this liquid form in conjuction with our state of the art laser guided soap delivering tools (see exclusive photo below) to achieve the same positive effect with minimal risk to the olfactory senses of American soldiers."


    At Left: DUMMOCRATS WORLD EXCLUSIVE!
    Top-secret photo of state of the art laser guided soap delivering tool, used in conjuction with liquid form of "soap" formula, above. Image taken without permission of the US Government by a top-secret Russian satellite passing over Cuba.
    Frenchman Interrogation Agent Number Three

    When the interrogations get tough, the tough pull out this tool, called a "toothbrush" by many in the military. While we were unable to get an official confirmation as to what exactly this nasty device is used for, rumor has it that it is used in conjunction with a paste-like substance to leave the victim's teeth "fresh, minty, and clean." Suffice it say, the government's continued silence on the topic speaks volumes. Note the cross-action of the bristles in the zoomed in portion of the image - the angle of each bristle is allegedly carefully chosen by top-Army scientists to ensure the maximum, "hell on earth" minty-effect, and at least one source tells us that the different colors of the bristles are a top-secret state-of-the-art technology that lets an Army interrogator know when its time to switch to a new tool, thus ensuring the maximum "hell-like" effect.

    Rumors abound about semi-automatic or automatic versions of this hellish tool, but we've been unable to confirm these reports. However, we were able to hire a police sketch artist to reproduce what this tool is alleged to look like.

    Artist's rendition of alleged "semi-automatic" version of "toothbrush" tool

    Frenchman Interrogation Agent Number Four

    We are unsure of what this strange looking product labelled "ban" is used for, but we're told that it's applied to the underarms of detainees twice a day. We suspect that it is a time-released chemical of some sort, and the fact that it "goes on clear" leads us to believe that it is often secretly applied. Supporting this conclusion are rumors of another similar device called only "Secret." It's rumored that this "Secret" is similar to "Ban" in that it is "strong enough for a man," but different in that it is "pH balanced for a woman." Clearly, this nightmarish tool works by supplying some sort of chemical transdermally, and the fact that different versions are needed for men and women seems to indicate that it is hormone-related.


    Needless to say, we are mortified that this sort of interrogation is going on in America! (err, make that Cuba. -Ed.) Remember, just like Abu Ghirab was entirely the fault of President George W. Bush, so is this human rights disaster. Frenchmen should not be subjected to these terrible tools of torture! So on November 2, vote for the only candidate that promises to get the permission of every foreign leader, every domestic leader, every special interest group, and the Reverend Jesse Jackson before subjecting foreigners, particularly French terrorist asshole foreigners, to this nightmare in the future.

    BAN THE SOAP LAUNCHER NOW!
    BAN THE TOOTHBRUSH NOW!
    BAN BAN! STOP THE SECRET SECRET!


    Posted by at November 8, 2005 08:48 PM

        The trackback entry for this page is : http://www.inthehat.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/1163

     

    Trackback Entries

     


    Comments

    #  November 9th, 2005 1:05 AM      Laura
    Oh, man... Susanna and I were rolling. Somehow I missed this the first time around. Thanks for reposting it.  
     
    #  November 9th, 2005 2:45 PM      thegameiam
    BWAAAA! nice...  
     
    #  November 12th, 2005 11:12 PM      marcus
    Did you hear Lance Armstrong is under suspicion for banned substances? Yeah, they found soap & shampoo in his locker!


    Hahahahaha  
     

     

     


      page rendered in 0.1113 seconds | ©2004, 2005 Dummocrats.com