The Winter Olympics are suffering from a severe lack of buzz. In a year when many American athletes are expected to dominate, no one's talking about the Olympics. What gives?

The problem is that our enemies aren't any good at sports. When Americans and Russians faced off in the Olympics, it was also a good matchup between Communism and Capitalism. For all of communism's many, many flaws, those Commies could sure build a great sports system. Or, alternatively, they gave their "women" some really powerful drugs.

Islamofascists, on the other hand, don't have much of a presence at the Games. To be fair, Islamofascists don't actually rule very many countries and in general, Islamofascists live in warmer climates. But aren't those just excuses? Maybe if Islamofascists want to prove to the rest of the world that their way of life is superior to ours, they should try to do it on the snow or ice or track.

As with everything worthwhile, this would require some serious sacrifices for our peaceful friends. First, they'll have to prove their superiority without the help of their women. While this obviously means that Islamofascist men would have to pick up the slack medal-wise, it also means that it'll be much harder to find an appealing, friendly face of Islamofascism. As the Cold War started to thaw, Commie hotties like Katarina Witt and Ekaterina Gordeeva highlighted the softer side of totalitarianism. I don't know if there's an Islamofascist man out there who can fill their, uh, skates.

Second, and this is a key, young, athletic men will have to give up their pursuit of 72 virgins and pursue gold instead. Perhaps the technical ability to produce effective car bombs can instead be channeled into producing faster bobsleds. Instead of spending years learning to fly a plane, Islamofascsist youths can learn to fly through the air in freestyle skiing.

Sadly, this is one impossible dream that won't come true. They'll be no Islamofascist "Miracle on Ice". Their backwards view of life has never, and will never, produce anything worthwhile, whether it's great art, science or athletes.