With a few bright exceptions, the US Winter Olympic team has been a disappointment: the Swedes performed their own "Miracle on Ice" by defeating the women's hockey team, Bode Miller hasn't come close to the podium, Michelle Kwan (KWWWAAAAAAN!) is gone, Johnny Weir choked and Lindsey Jacobellis snatched defeat from the jaws of victory with a little hot-dogging in Snowboard Cross (which, by the way, is very fun to watch) yesterday.

While Weir cleverly blamed his poor performance on his aura (as an aside, I think that'd be a great band name: "Johnny Weir's Aura), other American athletes haven't been so creative. That's why I'm here to help them out. Without further ado, I present:

10. "Medals? I thought they were just giving away CDs. Aw, crap!"

9. "I was really upset by what happened to those Brittenum twins on American Idol."

8. "I decided to no longer pursue a gold medal, but rather to pursue that Danish cartoonist. A million dollars is better than a gold medal."

7. "What do you mean I didn't win a medal? I was taught that we're all winners. Isn't there a gold medal for perfect attendance or something?"

6. "Dick Cheney shot me too."

5. "We just couldn't stay away from those Jamaican bobsledders. Hey, anyone got any Cheetos?"

4. "I wanted to avoid any jingoistic displays of American flag waving."

3. (for two-man lugers only) "We were really, really sick of all the 'Brokeback Mountain' jokes."

2. "I heard Wayne Gretzky's wife bet against me. Let me tell ya, you don't want to mess with Janet."

1. "Maybe if King George and his neocon associates had signed Kyoto I would have had some frickin' snow and ice to train on."