Tonight I watched the show live. I guess it turns out I’m quite mean in real time. Even meaner when I haven’t has a bellyful of Cajun food and copious amounts of wine. Plus, girls are dumb. On with the show:

Stephanie Edwards – Bad hair. Nice cleavage. Great teeth. I like her tone. It’s nice and warm, but I’ve never heard of the song. As she drops to her knees to testify she draws in the crowd. But with her high church factor, she’ll need to do mix it up and do some contemporary hits ASAP.

Amy Krebs – What is with all the jacked up skin? Just because Kelly Clarkson did a Pro-Active commercial, doesn’t mean you have to be a before-Pro-Active commercial. Other than that, she’s OK, not too pretty and definitely no style. And she looks like she shops at Wal-Mart. She tackles “I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt. She’s singing it in a higher country-type key and breaks in certain places, which can be cool, but not here. I don’t like it, and I think if she sings a song where she needs to show vocal range, she is waaaaaaaaaay out of it.

Leslie Hunt - I’m only gonna say this once (OK, so maybe a hundred times throughout the competition). DO NOT TOUCH ARETHA, WHITE GIRL. DON’T DO IT. She is dead to me. And oh my God, are these boots back in style, or did she steal them out of my stripper friend’s closet? On a more positive note - nice legs, hair and dress.

Sabrina Sloan – Wow. She’s lovely and distinctive looking with curly locks to boot. BUT SHE PICKED AN ARETHA SONG TOO. WTF, GIRL? I love, love, love this song and she sounds pretty good. But she’s not ARETHA and halfway through she got all Christina Aguilera on me. Nevertheless, she looks hot and has a good voice, very Mya; I think she’ll be around for while.

Barbarella – Her and her buddy were such bitches during Hollywood Weak, I’m not sure what it’s gonna take for me to get behind her. And she kind of looks like Denise Richards, who is a heinous bitch. She’s also no Steven Tyler. I can best compare her to Diana LaGarmo. I think the Guidos and Guidas will like her and keep her around, but eventually they’ll realize she’s not that good and can’t sing with accompaniment.

Jordin Sparks - Also really cute. But she looks retarded in the skirt/jeans outfit. And the song sucks and she sounds bad singing it. It’s very shrill and it’s making me cringe a bit. Her movements also look forced and Tracey Chapman is BORING. I don’t think there’s any way she can win this.

Nicole Tranquillo – I’m feeling déjà vu. I’m only gonna say this once (or maybe a hundred times). OH NO YOU DIDN’T, WHITE VOICE MAJOR GIRL. WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD ROCK LIKE CHAKA? PUT DOWN THE MIC. You are dead to me. She also makes really ugly faces and is very shiny. I think she’s going home very soon. From the looks of the crowd, everyone is too distracted by her shininess to realize she’s not very good.

Hayley Scarnato – She’s very pretty and dresses a little slutty, I had high hopes for her. I could even ignore the fact that she’s wearing a sweetheart neckline with pants – until she opens her mouth. I will not by any means support someone who sings Celine Dion. It sounds like a bad high school musical. I think she’ll absolutely be in the bottom this week.

Melinda Doolittle – She totally looks like Jackee Harry. She sounds fantastic, and can actually pull off an ARETHA song. Hear that, whitey? Stay away from ARETHA. I like her. But does the world really need another Fantasia? I think she breeze through the first few rounds while the sucky girls drop, but leave a la Kimberly Locke and J-Hud.

Alaina Alexander – Meh. All style no substance.

Gina Glocksen – She sounds good, but damn what a stupid song choice. I think she’s pulling off a Kelly Clarkson vibe, and will easily cruise to the top 5 with her pipes.

LaKisha Jones – What can I say, she’s from Flint, Mich, where pets are meat. Great song choice, great voice. I’ll forgive the outfit because of the nice shoes. She is by far the best singer of anyone I’ve seen. Let’s hope her personality keeps the votes coming in as much as her voice should.

LaKisha gets my vote for the night. Until next time, PMW.

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