Princess Midwest is off drinking Captain & diets and trying on tiaras, so you've got me instead. You know, I feel like I'm watching a different show than people who don't know about Dial Idol or Vote for the Worst. The unspoiled masses are going to be in for a shock tonight.

But first, we get a sneak preview of the season to come. Folks, it ain't pretty. Among the special guest stars:

• Diana Ross - ho hum. The various Simons & Nigels that produce Idol do realize that music's been made in the last 10 years, right?
• Jon Bon Jovi - okay, I'm fine with that, he's pretty
• Jennifer Lopez - oh how hip and 2003 of Idol
• Gwen Stefani - awesome, I've been wanting a Yodeling Night!
• Tony Bennett - really? I didn't know Washington State's basketball coach could sing!
• Martina McBride - I can't wait for another Country Night disaster
• Herman's Hermits - it's British Invasion Night. No, I'm not kidding
• Barry Gibb - okay, this not only completely excites me it also puts the "Barry Gibb Talk Show" theme in my head. That'll help over the next hour

  Here we are ... in a room full of strangers
  Discussin’ politics ... and the issues of the daaaa-aaaay
  Talkin’ it up
  On the Barry Gibb Talk Show
  Talkin’ ‘bout issues
  Talkin’ ‘bout real important issues
  Talkin’ it up
  On the Barry Gibb Talk Show
  Checkin’ out politics
  In this crazy, crazy to-own oh yeah!

Medley time! It's "Sowing the Seeds of Love" by Tears for Fears. I love this song, but it's crushed under the weight of 24 desperate and mediocre talents. Somewhere out there my darlings Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal are crying. Well actually, they'd be shouting, wouldn't they? :-)

The guys are up first and it's time to cull the herd. Who's safe? Brandon, Sundance (thanks VFTW!), Chris Richardson, Nick (who?) and Blake (duh).

And Paul Kim is out. HA! That's what happens when you don't wear shoes, punk.

Question - we vote these cats out, why do we have to hear them sing again? If we wanted to listen to them sing more, we would have voted for them, right? Idol should do away with the sing off and let the top vote getter have another performance. Reward the good singers, don't punish the audience.

Time for the chicks. Safe: Jordin (damn straight!), Stephanie, Sabrina, Leslie (really?) & Melinda. Antonella is left on stage all alone with the judges' criticism. But of course she's not going home. Vote for the Worst strikes again, my friends. Instead, it's Amy Krebs' chance to sing a sad, sad song. Indeed Amy, you can't make us love you, if we don't.

Fantasia's in the house singing "I'm Here". Not being a big Fantasia fan, I'm not.

Again with the girls. Safe: Hayley, LaKisha & Gina. It's down to Nicole & Alaina. And Nicole Tranquillo is gone. How will the show go on without her? Where can we turn to for a weekly dose of Chaka Khan? A troubled nation needs answers.

Three down, one to go. Who's going home? Not Chris Sligh, Phil (who looks kinda hot with a hat on, I must say), Jared, or A.J. That brings it down to cutie pie Sanjaya and Rudy. One is in the top four, the other is going home. In a completely unshocking event, Rudy Cardenas is going home. I'll miss him and his whole Scott Baioesque thing.

And, in the biggest news of the evening, Daughtry's "Home" has replaced "Had a Bad Day" as the loser song. Way to go, Chris!

Check back next week for more Vital Idol. In the meantime, check out all of our American Idol coverage. We've been doing this for years, people.