In the aftermath of Super Duper Tuesday, political pundits ponder who will get the youth vote, and the black vote or the seniors vote. But, dear friends, we are overlooking a critically important voter bloc. Who are the pretentious asshats of America going to cast their ballots for? Luckily, Jacob Stockinger is here to help.

Stockinger is delighted to have three candidates in Clinton, Obama and McCain who have attended or taught at such excellent universities as Yale, Harvard and the University of Chicago. That’s such a step up from George W. Bush, a man so intellectually challenged that he considers Jesus a philosopher. I mean, just imagine.

With intellectual heavyweights like these, Stockinger knows that pretentious asshats nationwide can make their choice by asking such heavy hitting questions as “Who is your favorite composer and your favorite piece of classical music?” or “Who is your favorite writer and what is your favorite work of literature, as opposed to a bestselling book?”

After all, it doesn’t take an elitist prig to know that if you like something popular, you’re stupid and maybe even a little trashy. While that might qualify you to give Bill Clinton your phone number, an American president should certainly know more about obscure art than say, Khaled Hosseini, Facebook or (gasp!) NASCAR!

Wait! Actually, I think it does take an elitist prig to think that way.