Princess Midwest punching in for duty, kids. People said I’d have to be crazy like a Huckabee to do this again, but I do it for the children.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted and a few things have changed, my last name being the biggest new thing. I shirked my feminist roots and chucked my maiden name in favor of my new husband’s. I’d considered changing my online moniker to Queen Midwest, but it lacks style and consonance. I’m also back in the music game, trying my hand at the four-stringed mistress known as the bass guitar.

What does this have to do with Idol, you ask? Well, exactly nothing. I’ll still be bringing my musically pedigreed opinions and occasional drunken rants. Being an election year, you may see Princess Pundit rear her head as well. On with the show …

Like the lady I am, I missed the first two fellas because I was getting my hair done. I walked in as David Cook was starting. Here’s a review of the rest of the night.

David Cook – Should almost certainly be referred to as Dave – for his scruffy looks and his incredible resemblance to the guys I dated my freshman year in college. He’s emo and grungy and not in a good way. Plus he’s go the rocker vibe of Bo Bice and the cheesiness of Chris Sligh. I’ve always hated the Turtles, too. Nothing original here, I predict he won’t make the final 12.

Brian Jaegermeister – Has a serious streaking problem. And holy fuck he picked “Moon River.” He’s really taken all of the feeling out of the song, his phrasing is forced and he can’t really hit the notes. But he has nice teeth. I think if he picks songs wisely, he could stick around a bit.

Robbie Carricho – Toured with Britney Spears in 2000! He’s cute for a bearded guy. He’s chosen “One is the Loneliest Number.” While I prefer Aimee Mann’s cover, he’s not half bad. If I could ignore his bandanna and wallet chain, I’d like him more. Regardless he’s tops so far this evening. I’m willing to make a wager that he cuts off his blonde locks when he makes the top 5.

David Archuletta – Gay two ways from Sunday, but damned adorable. He gives us a very “High School Musical” version of “Shop Around.” I can only imagine who had to talk him out of doing “In His Kiss.” He’s technically very good, but I like a meaty tone and soul. His voice also cracked once. Safe for a while. Plus, Shecrest has a boner for him.

Danny Noriega – “Jailhouse Rock.” He’s OK. But I anticipate people will mix him and Archuletta up, and he’ll be out pretty soon.

Luke Menard – Ye haw. Princess thinks he’s handsome. Until he opens his Paul Young voice. He sucks. Baaaaad. And his falsetto is weak.

Colton Berry - “Suspicious Minds.” He actually has a little soul in his voice, which I haven’t seen much of in the guys, so I like him. And he can sing in key and phrase a bit.

Garrett Haley - It’s an Idol Hobbit. I’m so excited! He’s picked “Breaking Up is Hard to Do.” As Simon would say, it’s a cruise ship performance. Alas, he’s tween handsome. I’m thinking top 12.

Jason Castro – He’s cute, even with dreads. He’s playing guitar to “Daydream.” I think this song really sucks, but he has a huge advantage playing guitar. It allows him to set the pace of the song and make it his own. I wonder if Idol is ready for dreadlocks. He’s my fave of the night so far.

Michael Johns – He’s originally from Australia and looks a bit long in the tooth. His song is “Light My Fire.” Those of you who know me (Kris), know I have a deep, burning hatred for Doors music. He’s got some soul, but he’s a bit pitchy and sounds a bit cartoonish. I’m willing to ignore it all. Top 12.