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  • Happy Anniversary to Us

       April 10, 2009

    Looking at our archives, I see that has been around for five years now (dummocrats, on the other hand, have been around since about 1792).

    Our first "real" post was on April 18, 2004, so in anticipation of this monumental date, I thought I'd re-post some of our best pieces over the years.

    With Guantanamo Bay back in the news lately, it seems fitting to revisit this brilliant piece of investigative journalism by James from back in July 2004. Seriously, we even scooped Drudge on this one!

    As we reported earlier on The Daily Page, two Frenchmen are alleging that they were abused during their 2 year detention in a military prison at Guantanamo Bay, saying of their experience, "We have emerged from hell." Said one of the imprisoned French terrorists:

    '"bizarre" medicines had been given to inmates at night and [sic] one caused some prisoners to break out in spots." He gave no other details.

    As you well know, we here at Dummocrats take allegations of human rights violations very seriously; that is why, upon hearing about these allegations, we immediately launched an investigation and dispatched our ace reporting staff to Paris, France, where they met with the former detainees (read: terrorist assholes) to get "'the rest of the story."

    We wanted to know, just what were these "bizzare medicines" that were given to these unfortunate souls, and why isnít the media talking about it? I'm happy to report that we've broken the story. I'm sure that Drudge will probably pick this up and it'll go mainstream, so, remember, you read it here first.

    Frenchman Interrogation Agent Number One

    This nasty substance, code-named "soap" by top government officials, has been an effective Frenchman interrogation tool throughout much of the 20th century. However, as with most tools of war, this is not your grandfather's "soap." As is plainly indicated by the "2000" designation, this heavy-duty product is definitely a weapon for the 21st century. "Because Frenchmen have increased their dirtyness over the years, we've had to come up with more effective tools," said a top-government official who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity. "1950-era soap has little or no effect on the Frenchman of today; he's developed an unbelieveably high tolerance."

    Frenchman Interrogation Agent Number Two

    This is a particularly nasty form of the "soap" interrogation tool listed above is similar, but comes in a liquid form. "Often, it's hard to get close enough to the Frenchman to use the bar form of the soap," said the same top-government official." "We're able to use this liquid form in conjuction with our state of the art laser guided soap delivering tools (see exclusive photo below) to achieve the same positive effect with minimal risk to the olfactory senses of American soldiers."

    Top-secret photo of state of the art laser guided soap delivering tool, used in conjuction with liquid form of "soap" formula, above. Image taken without permission of the US Government by a top-secret Russian satellite passing over Cuba.
    Frenchman Interrogation Agent Number Three

    When the interrogations get tough, the tough pull out this tool, called a "toothbrush" by many in the military. While we were unable to get an official confirmation as to what exactly this nasty device is used for, rumor has it that it is used in conjunction with a paste-like substance to leave the victim's teeth "fresh, minty, and clean." Suffice it say, the government's continued silence on the topic speaks volumes. Note the cross-action of the bristles in the zoomed in portion of the image - the angle of each bristle is allegedly carefully chosen by top-Army scientists to ensure the maximum, "hell on earth" minty-effect, and at least one source tells us that the different colors of the bristles are a top-secret state-of-the-art technology that lets an Army interrogator know when its time to switch to a new tool, thus ensuring the maximum "hell-like" effect.

    Rumors abound about semi-automatic or automatic versions of this hellish tool, but we've been unable to confirm these reports. However, we were able to hire a police sketch artist to reproduce what this tool is alleged to look like.

    Artist's rendition of alleged "semi-automatic" version of "toothbrush" tool

    Frenchman Interrogation Agent Number Four

    We are unsure of what this strange looking product labelled "ban" is used for, but we're told that it's applied to the underarms of detainees twice a day. We suspect that it is a time-released chemical of some sort, and the fact that it "goes on clear" leads us to believe that it is often secretly applied. Supporting this conclusion are rumors of another similar device called only "Secret." It's rumored that this "Secret" is similar to "Ban" in that it is "strong enough for a man," but different in that it is "pH balanced for a woman." Clearly, this nightmarish tool works by supplying some sort of chemical transdermally, and the fact that different versions are needed for men and women seems to indicate that it is hormone-related.

    Needless to say, we are mortified that this sort of interrogation is going on in America! (err, make that Cuba. -Ed.) Remember, just like Abu Ghirab was entirely the fault of President George W. Bush, so is this human rights disaster. Frenchmen should not be subjected to these terrible tools of torture! So on November 2, vote for the only candidate that promises to get the permission of every foreign leader, every domestic leader, every special interest group, and the Reverend Jesse Jackson before subjecting foreigners, particularly French terrorist asshole foreigners, to this nightmare in the future.


    Posted by at April 10, 2009 10:30 AM

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