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  • 40 reasons I'm unelectable

       October 18, 2010

    I've read a lot of articles lately warning us that we shouldn't post anything "our Grandma wouldn't approve of" on Facebook, etc. and that we need to remember that our employers, educators, in-laws, etc. are watching our every move.

    My sincere wish is that, as a society, we collectively decide not to heed that advice. Instead, I hope that our society evolves to the point that we understand that other people have thoughts, interests and passions that are different from our own. I hope we learn to accept people for that instead of work to pull everyone down to the same bland level.

    Just imagine the politicians we'll elect if we don't. The kind of people who manage to live their life without any controversy and any exhuberance are clearly either freaks or career politicians. And can you think of anyone more frightening than someone who's been a career politician since grade school? Yikes!

    Anyway, in light of these thoughts and some current drummed up political scandals, I thought I'd come clean with the many reasons that I am unelectable:

    1. My last name is too ethnic
    2. I used to be a card-carrying member of the NRA
    3. I've donated to public radio
    4. I once played Germany in a game of Axis and Allies
    5. My love of horse racing reveals an obvious gambling problem
    6. My love of horse racing reveals support for the enslavement of animals
    7. I've worn real fur
    8. I was once The Onion's Drunk of the Week
    9. Old photos document my close, personal encounter with Bill Clinton
    10. Back taxes
    11. I don't even pretend to belong to a church
    12. I've participated in events run by hardcore environmental organizations
    13. I was a bell-ringer for the hardcore Christian Salvation Army
    14. I still shop at Target
    15. I've flashed gang signs in photos
    16. I visited Confederate battlefield gravesites
    17. I totally inhaled. And I liked it.
    18. I kissed a girl. And I liked it.
    19. Embarrassing photographs in a gay bar
    20. Embarrassing photographs in a biker bar
    21. Embarrassing photographs in a sports bar
    22. Embarrassing photographcs in a hick bar
    23. Embarrassing photographs in a dive bar
    24. Embarrassing photographs in a karaoke bar
    25. Embarrassing photographs in a kickball bar
    26. My vintage Titanic board game is full of offensive ethnic stereotypes
    27. I majored in journalism and am therefore a member of the left wing media
    28. Fat cat banker
    29. Crazy cat lady
    30. I was against the war after I was for the war
    31. I would also look goofy in a tank
    32. My fear of self-serve car washes would be interpreted as typical elitism
    33. I have more shoes than Imelda Marcos
    34. Selfish, gas-guzzling SUV driver
    35. Selfish, law-flaunting bike commuter
    36. My love of French & Spanish wines helps put honest, hard-working American winemakers out of business
    37. In the past, I've praised Dubai's Sheik Mohammed, therefore, I'm as good as Muslim
    38. I once dressed up as a witch for Halloween, so I'm probably a Wiccan
    39. I once dressed up as C3PO for Halloween, so I'm probably in favor of replacing hard-working Americans with cheap robot labor
    40. I'm a card-carrying member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy (Quality Plots since 1992, yo)

    Posted by kris at October 18, 2010 10:43 PM

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    #  October 19th, 2010 6:52 AM      cherlynda
    Yeah, playing Germany in Axis and Allies is a bad one. Actually it's worse to just play that game.  
    #  October 19th, 2010 8:19 AM      kris
    Actually, the worst part is that I frequently complained about how the setup of the game was "unfair" to Germany, so clearly I'm a Nazi.  
    #  October 19th, 2010 9:33 AM      BVBigBro
    Not to mention a horde of relatives that can make Billy Carter look like a teetotaler.  



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