March 01, 2011

My Restaurant Week dinner at Fogo de Chao got cancelled, so instead of being served meat by friendly gauchos, I'll be served cheese by a variety of schlocky American Idol contestants.

I'm going to do some semi-live blogging of the show, so be sure to check back for updates throughout the broadcast.

Okay, let's get this thing going. Ryan introduces the judges, they pretend to swear and James Durbin immediately makes me hate him, even if he does have my mental illness of choice.

Clint Jun Gamboa is up first singing that old chestnut "Superstitious". How fresh! Clint has giant, red, clown feet, no range and too much vibrato. He doesn't have a bad tone to his voice, but there's nothing really interesting about him other than those clown feet and thick glasses. The ultimate "meh". 4.

Jovany Barreto romances us with "I'll Be". Seriously? For someone with so much bravado, this is actually kind of a tender performance, but he gets lost in the background singers. It's all very cheesy. But it's a nice cheese, like a good smoked gouda. I'll give him a 5.

Jordan Dorsey is singing some popular song I don't know, maybe "OMG" by Usher? The lyrics say "Shorty dancing sexy", so that's cool. Jordan doesn't really have a great voice, but he's an interesting performer. The judges don't like him, but he wasn't boring and he's very cute and he's typically not a "jumpy jumpy singer". 6

I missed Tim Halperin, which is to say that I don't think I missed very much. Brett Loewenstern, the competition's resident ginger wants to "Light My Fire". Since he's about 15 and 100 pounds soaking wet this is more than just a little disturbing. All that said, this isn't a purely karaoke performance. He brings something different. I don't know exactly what it is or even if I really like it. But I do know I'd like to hear him sing again. Basically, he's the Johnny Weir of Idol, god love him. 7.5.

Annoying James Durbin and his stupid scarf tail are up next. He's singing Judas Priest's "You've Got Another Thing Coming", which makes me want to vote for him in the vain hope that maybe he'll sing some Aldo Nova later on. A girl can dream. He's all sob story and screechy voice and fauxhawk and posturing. He just needs to go back home and front a Guns N Roses tribute band. The judges eat it up because they're stupid (and not Simon). It's a 2.

Robbie Rosen is singing "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan and it's just comically awful. His voice breaks up over the course of the song like he's Peter Brady singing "Time for Change". And beyond the terrible performance, let's not even discuss how that song reminds me of those depressing Humane Society ads. The worst of the night so far. 1. I kind of can't believe there's someone I like less than James. JLo tries to defend his singing as some kind of bold artistic choice, but I don't buy that "sucking" is an artistic choice rather than a general lack of talent.

Old school country boy Scotty McCreery sings some country song I don't know. Something about "Johnsonville". Brats? I love his voice, but he keeps smirking at the camera. I think he thinks he's being charmy, but he's really being smarmy. Also, he kind of looks like George W. Bush doesn't he? Anyway, you'll note I've said very little about his singing, that's because he undeniably does have a really good voice, he just needs to lay off the cheese. 7.

Stefano Langone is singing "Amazing" (I dunno, I assume that's the name). He's a mess. He's missing notes and is very breathy. Clearly, he's cannon fodder. He wasn't as bad Robbie and I don't hate him as much as James, so I guess he gets a 3. JLo claims he's a "beast". I think at this point you need to remember that she married Marc Anthony.

Paul McDonald is singing Rod Stewart's "Maggie May". Compared to all of the teens that proceeded him, Paul looks like someone's drunk, creepy uncle. That's not at all helped by the bizarre smile he keeps flashing the audience. I still think he could be a decent singer with the right kind of quirky, slower song, but this ain't it. This is frankly frightening. Wow. I liked this guy coming in, but this was awful. I'll give him a 4 because at least he kept my attention, even if it was in kind of a bad way.

Speaking of bad things, my second least favorite contestant Jacob Lusk brings his uniquely awful overwrought stylings to "A House Is Not A Home". Jacob has a nice voice when he actually holds a note instead of dancing all around it like an obnoxious, cheesy jackass. He needs to be on Glee, where his show choir style would actually be appropriate. I'll give him a 4, knowing full well that he'll be around for weeks and weeks, just to torture me. Because it's all about me.

Finally, sitting in the pimp spot is Casey Abrams. He's singing "I Put A Spell On You" and as much as I might like Casey, isn't this kind of Taylor Hicksesque? At this point, I don't want to hear someone going all crazy, I'd rather he just sing. Is Casey a good singer? I have no idea, and that's a problem. He gets a very tentative 6.5.

Overall, I do miss the judges giving any kind of criticism. These were a bunch of mediocre performances and sometimes you need a crabby Englishman to call a spade a spade (or a giant cheeseball that he's a cheeseball, Jacob).

My top three:

Brett
Scotty
Casey

My guess is that the final six guys will be:

Jacob
James
Scotty
Casey
Brett
and Paul or Jordan as a judges' choice.

Posted by kris at March 1, 2011 05:50 PM

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