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  • April 26, 2007

    American Idol Results Recap - Shenanigans!

    [Posted by ]

    Last night on Idol, no one was booted. WTF? This isn't the Amazing Race. There are no non-elimination rounds. And, as we know all too well, Ryan Seacrest is no Phil Keoghan.

    Next week two contestants will be shown the door. I understand that the Nigels & Simons didn't want Idols Give Back week to end on a downer. But why, oh why, couldn't this have happened last week? Sanjaya could have used the extra week to save himself.

    As it is, the show's darling, Melinda, may have been saved by the bell.

    I call shenanigans! Let the conspiracy theories begin...

    Posted by at 08:06 AM | Comments (0)     
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    April 24, 2007

    Vital Idol - How to Save a Life Anthem

    [Posted by ]

    I'm a little bitter about filling in for Princess Midwest tonight. On one hand, I kind of enjoy writing Idol recaps because I write them in real time and it keeps me busy during all of the usual filler on the show. On the other hand, tonight's theme (part of the whole Idols Give Back thing) is "inspirational songs". Inspirationals?? Oh god, they're gonna sing "The Greatest Love of All" and "Wind Beneath My Wings" and "I Believe I Can Fly" aren't they? Pray for me, people. By the way, if I was a contestant I would so be singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" tonight just so I could belt out the lines about the "smell of wine and cheap perfume" and sing "Booooolevard".

    Starting off the crapfest is Chris with Eric Clapton's "Change the World". What's worse than this boring song? Chris' rendition. He sounds weak and yes, nasally. I thought we were supposed to be helping people, not putting them into comas. The judges like him, but they're crazy. I think they don't know quite what to do without Sanjaya to kick around anymore.

    Melinda is up next with "There Will Come A Day" by Faith Hill. Damn--when they teased that she was singing "Faith" I was hoping she'd bust out the George Michael. Instead of thinking it'd be "nice to touch your body" Melinda is singing in her usual Melinda way about children & darkness & hope & angels. They all love Melinda even though she was utterly boring. BOR-ing. This show needs some spice. It needs some flavor. It needs some Sanjaya.

    Oh *&^%#$. Blake is gonna sing "Imagine". This whiny piece of dung might be one of my least favorite songs ever. You know what this song inspires me to do? Turn the damn channel! Blake, you are dead to me. Furthermore, he adds absolutely nothing to the song. I might have liked a tricked out funky "Imagine".

    We're only halfway through the show. Damn. Compared to "Heroes", this show feels like it lasts forever.

    Are you ready for some bombast? Then give it up for LaKisha! She's singing "When You Believe" by Fantasia. I know I'm supposed to feel all inspired, but the lyrics to this song are cracking me up:

    Have you ever reached a rainbow's end?
    Did you find a pot of gold?
    Did you catch a shooting star?

    Hey! I think they stole these lyrics from my 5th grade journal. You know, the one with the unicorns on the cover.

    I suppose I should comment on LaKisha's singing, huh? She took it down a notch and it wasn't too shouty or horrible. The judges don't like it because LaKisha is the target this week.

    Vote for the Worst's new pick, Phil, hits the stage next to talk about his daughters and sing "The Change" by Garth Brooks. Phil actually sounds pretty good. Don't get me wrong, it's a terrible, schmaltzy song, but Phil sings it will. Blake & Chris have such weak little voices and Phil has really shined in comparison to them the last two weeks.

    My girl Jordin gets to close the show with "You'll Never Walk Alone". Jordin has a great voice, but she's just shouting notes tonight. There's no soul or variation to it. Blech. The judges completely overpraise her.

    Best: uh, Phil, I guess.
    Worst: Chris

    Booted: LaKisha

    Tomorrow: BONO!!! Kelly Clarkson!!! They'll make it all better.

    Posted by at 07:59 PM | Comments (8)     
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    April 22, 2007

    Earth Day Musings

    [Posted by ]

    Ever wonder what happened to all the old Commies and Marxists? I think I've found them. They've become strident environmentalists. Much like how the Commies of old were willing, eager & ultimately able to force others to conform to their twisted vision of an ideal society, environmentalist wackos are gleefully rubbing their hands together, dreaming of a day we'll have to live a life without cars.

    What does this future look like? Madison's (of course) own Jan Sweet who:

    fronts a Madison group called Cities Without Cars, devoted to reducing oil dependence and strategizing ways to survive when oil is no longer available.

    “Maybe when the car you have right now reaches its maturity, you don’t get another one,” he suggests. In the future he foresees, with more co-housing, groups of 25 families could share one or two cars.

    He has proposed building new housing without parking and a ban on auto ads. He’s called for capping buildings at five stories in anticipation of the day when there won’t be enough electricity to run elevators. He’d plant fruit trees around town to stave off famine from breakdowns in the food supply.

    Co-housing with 25 families sharing a car? That sounds like a modern day collectivist farm to me. This is insanity. Fruit trees to stave off a famine? In Madison? Although Sweet claims not to be a global-warming activist, he must be if he thinks it's ever going to be warm enough for fruit trees to save starving future Madisonians.

    I realize we don't have an endless supply of cheap oil. We should do what we reasonably can to conserve energy while we try to find affordable alternative fuel sources. But some of these environmentalists aren't interested in conservation and alternatives, they're interested in taking us back to stone age. Much like how the Khmer Rouge romanticized peasant life, people like James Howard Kunstler idealize urban communities. Kunstler doesn't want to find new affordable energy sources that would help maintain our way of life. He wants to rebuild American life, not surprisingly, to suit his own vision of utopia:

    I hope we can overcome our tendencies to try to get something for nothing and to engage in wishful thinking. The subject of hope itself is an interesting one. College kids on the lecture circuit always ask me if I can give them some hope. Apparently, they find this view of the future to be discouraging. It may mean fewer hours playing Grand Theft Auto with a side order of Domino's pepperoni pizza, but there are many positive implications for our lives in the future. We may once again live in places worth caring about, where beauty and grace are considered everybody's birthright. We may work side-by-side with our neighbors, on things that are meaningful. Instead of canned entertainments, we may hear the sounds of our own voices making music, see the works of our own dramatists and dancers.

    Maybe Kunstler is right and we're all screwed. Or maybe, as with the Green Revolution, we'll figure our way out of the problem. Maybe I'm just saying this because I'm a non-coastal American who worships at the altar of unearned riches, but I'm going to bet on progress. And if worses comes to worse, I've got bikes and a kayak. I'll also be on the lookout for a pear tree.

    Posted by at 05:04 PM | Comments (1)     
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    April 18, 2007

    American Idol Results Recap - Sanjaya Voted Off

    [Posted by ]

    So next week is "Idols Give Back". You know what Idol can give me back? Sanjaya!

    Ha! Sanjaya's sing out includes such choice lyrics as "Let's give them something to talk about, other than hair." Oh, Sanjaya, I will truly miss you.

    Posted by at 08:56 PM | Comments (1)     
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    The Government has a List of What??

    [Posted by james]

    From an ABC News story on the shooter:

    Some news accounts have suggested that Cho had a history of antidepressant use, but senior federal officials tell ABC News that they can find no record of such medication in the government's files. This does not completely rule out prescription drug use, including samples from a physician, drugs obtained through illegal Internet sources, or a gap in the federal database, but the sources say theirs is a reasonably complete search.

    So the government has a list of people who take certain drugs?

    Seriously?

    Posted by jkhat at 05:11 PM | Comments (3)     
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    April 17, 2007

    Jesus, Take the Idol

    [Posted by ]

    Lord help us, it’s country night.

    Phil – “Where the Blacktop Ends” – The obvious question is why no cowboy hat? Sounds OK. I’m not a huge fan of this song, but he could be doing a much worse job. Safe!

    Jordin – “Broken Wings” – Sounds good, but that is the ugliest dress ever. Nice weave though. As Randy says, it’s a little pitchy, but still enough to keep her safe. I think junior may just win the whole thing.

    Sanjaya – “Something to Talk About” – Ladies and gents, it’s the Indian Willie Nelson! Well, not really. I like his outfit and he looks a lot less creepy this week. Sounds good enough. Lord, please let him win the whole thing!

    Lakisha – “Jesus Take the Wheel” – Yeah! A song from this decade. She looks good tonight and has wisely chosen a dark dress and a past Idol song. Wow. She’s rocking it. Best of the night so far.

    Chris – “Mayberry” – J Sweet T. Goodbye, honey. Goodbye. But wait, he sends a shout-out to V-Tech, which may sway the pity vote. I hope he’s not using a national tragedy to win another week on Idol.

    Melinda – “Trouble is a Woman” – Good. A little garbled, but still very good and hugh energy. I will even ignore the longline tubetop.

    Blake – “Stars Go Blue” – I think I’ve just pinpointed my dislike for Blake. He reminds me of a high school boyfriend. Nice guy, good personality, but no fire … And damn he pitchy, dogs. He is wrecking this song.

    Boot: Chris
    Dream Boot: Blake


    Posted by at 08:05 PM | Comments (1)     
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    April 11, 2007

    American Idol Results Recap - Haley Voted Off

    [Posted by ]

    I have a bad feeling about tonight kids. Is this the end of Sanjaya? I hope not.

    Tonight's show is a fillerific hour long, so there's time for a medley. It's some latin song..."Valdamore" or something like that, I have no idea. All Sanjaya gets to do is whisper in Spanish. I think the Nigels & Simons are discriminating against Indian-Americans.

    More filler. Ryan talks to people in Los Angeles. Akon sings. Akon is really just the Bobby McFerrin of the 2000s, isn't he? Oh wait, is Akon the singer or is he just the other guy who says "yeah yeah"? It's so hard to keep track of music these days...

    Time for the results:

    • Phil is in the bottom three (yay!)
    • LaKisha is safe
    • Jordin is safe (but girl, you better bring it next time)
    • Ryan skips Sanjaya (wtf?)
    • Melinda is safe, of course. She's still boring
    • Haley joins Phil in the bottom three
    • Back to Sanjaya and again Ryan teases him. Stop it!
    • Blake is safe (and is a handsome devil)
    • It's down to Chris & Sanjaya. Sanjaya is safe!!! Long live Sanjaya!!

    The studio audience can suck it.

    As we say in Wisconsin, it's a "moo" point because Chris is immediately sent back to the couches. He lives to Timberfake another day.

    Jennifer Lopez gets a full on pimping, including a sweet Sanjaya interview in which he hopes to get her number and promises that Marc Anthony doesn't have to find out. Viva La Sanjaya!

    Oh god. J Lo steps out and is joined by half a dozen dancers decked out in what can only be described as sexy CHIPS uniforms. I know that's a dated reference, but J Lo is way past her expiration date too, so I think it's appropriate. All this performance does is make me remember how awesome Shakira was last season. Shakira! Shakira!

    I hate these long results shows. I barely even remember who is in the bottom two. Oh yeah, Phil & Haley. I kind of wish Phil was gone, but it's Haley. Farewell dear, comet. May you someday blaze through the pageant circuit skies.

    Next week: it's Country Week with Martina McBride.

    Posted by at 08:58 PM | Comments (0)     
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    April 10, 2007

    Idol Gigante!

    [Posted by ]

    It’s Latin night on Idol and Jenny from the Block is the “mentor” this week. This should be fun.

    Melinda – “Sway” – Sounds perfecto. She looks a bit less terrible this week, although she really reminds me of Gladys Knight.

    Lakisha – “Conga” – Cone-ga, it’s conga ho, and don’t you forget it. Back-fat aside, (and after trying on my wedding gown I know a thing or two about back-fat) I like the dress and flat iron hair. It’s a bit more modern, which is good. I think she’s safe.

    Chris – “Smooth” – He sounds like a poor man’s Rob Thomas and he didn’t quite get the pronunciation of munequita correct. I hate him this week. I think he’ll be in the bottom this week.

    Scrubnato – “Turn the Beat Around” – Well, she looks fantastic again, despite the formal shorts, again. The sound is not so good and she really starts to caterwaul midway through. Man, she is really not a singer. I feel as though she should have tried out for “Grease: You’re the One That I Want” instead of Idol.

    Phil – “Maria, Maria” – I love the hat Phil! He sounds OK, not great, but good. Whoa, he actually has a pretty authentic-sounding voice lately. Could I be a Phil convert? I think so. He’s by far the best of the night so far, until he hits a baaaaaaaaaaaad note. Dammit Phil, I was starting to like you.

    Jordin – “Rhythm is Gonna Get You” – Meh. It’s a bit boring, but still by far one of the better performances of the night.

    Blake – “I Need to Know” – J-Lo says: Oh no, cholo, you did not just try to do my Marc Antonio’s song. I will cast my Santeria powers over you and vote you off! I mean it. The Simon Le Bon hat. The pretty man mullet. The nose like a baked potato. I think he’s gonna land at the bottom of the pile.

    Sanjaya – “Besame Mucho” – Wow. Actually singing in Spanish. Tall props. He’s the best supergay Indian Leif Garrett-alike ever!

    Boot: Blake
    Dream Boot: Haley


    Posted by at 08:00 PM | Comments (3)     
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    April 04, 2007

    American Idol Results Recap - Gina Voted Off

    [Posted by ]

    Who's going home to the place where they belong? I bet it's one of the girls.

    Attention songwriters: starting today you can enter the American Idol songwriting contest. The winning song will be performed at the grand finale. Hmmm, I've got a few songs that'll definitely make David Hasselhoff cry. Of course, they'd also make FCC cry. C'est la vie.

    To start off the results, the contestants are divided into three groups of 3: Blake, Chris & Sanjaya are one. Haley, Gina & Phil are another and Jordin, LaKisha and Melinda make up the third. I don't know about you all, but that middle group looks like trouble to me. And yep, groups 1 and 3 are safe.

    Tony Bennett has the flu, so instead we're getting a performance from Michael Buble. If Michael was a contestant, he'd be getting his ass voted off because he can't enunciate or sing into the damn microphone. I guess it just goes to show that "stars" can suck just as bad as Gina, Phil & Haley. Additionally, Buble brings the Creep Factor to a whole new level by leeringly asking Ryan if he's wasting his vote by calling in for Antonella. He's just absolutely nasty.

    Back to the results - Phil is safe (boo!). Heh, Haley & Gina both look extremely bitter and are on the verge of tears. Aw, I feel kind of bad. Neither of them are going to win, but they're decent singers and seem like perfectly nice girls. And just like that, it's Gina Glocksen who's going home.

    Next week: Jo Lo.

    Posted by at 08:28 PM | Comments (0)     
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    April 03, 2007

    Vital Idol - Bennett's Smut-N-Eggs

    [Posted by ]

    Madison natives, I hope you like the title. So anyway dawgs, Princess Midwest is off doing "wedding stuff" tonight (and no, she's not a Bridezilla, well she's not as long as you keep her away from sweetheart necklines), so get ready for some retro recapping from yours truly.

    Tonight, the final nine, coached by Tony Bennett (no, not that one), will perform American classics. God help us.

    Blake kicks off the show with "Mack the Knife" and Tony, in his Colonel Mustard yellow suit, doesn't think Blake gets the meaning. It's just Mack the Knife, old timer. Blakey still has that weak voice, but who cares because he has it. He's having so much fun on stage and it really translates well to the audience. This kind of fun, jazzy song is exactly what he should sing. We're all having a great time. I actually agree with Paula, he's just cool. Go Blake!

    Ooooh, Kelly Clarkson is going to perform on the "Idols Give Back" night. Yay! I heart Kelly.

    That said, we now go from "Mack the Knife" to Phil the Creep singing "Night And Day". This song does everything to highlight Phil's weaknesses. He has no lower register and really can't do anything well other than belt. When he belts, he sounds good, but when he says words like "making love" I'm just grossed out. The judges think it was too dark. Well no kidding, robots don't know how to love...

    Who's "got rhythm"? Melinda. Well, if nothing else Miss Doolittle has perfected the art of reacting to praise with shocked modesty. I don't buy it anymore, sweetie. We've all got egos. Melinda's "Gayles" are still doing her no favors with a hideous dress featuring a belt directly below her boobs. But, I did get a glimpse of her neck tonight. W00t! Oh yeah, so she sang. She's good. But she's good in exactly the same way every week. I'm so over it.

    Ask yourself this question, dear readers, aren't all of these performances mere filler before we get to the main act? They're all just spear carriers for King Sanjaya!

    Chris is clad in the standard issue Justin Timberlake uniform of funky fedora, vest, jeans and cool kicks. He's here to sing "Don't Get Around Much Anymore". Wow, Chris doesn't have a case of the runs tonight. He's singing the song pretty much straight and he sounds so much better than usual. He's still Chris, so he can't resist a few runs at the end, but it doesn't detract from the performance. I think 'ole Timberfake updated a classic to the point where you could actually hear it on the radio tomorrow. Nice job! Best of the night so far.

    My girl Jordin impresses Tony with her take on "On a Clear Day". Tony may have liked it, but I don't. It's too old. Chris just showed how to put a fresh spin on an old chestnut and in comparison Jordin just seems like a kid playing around. She's still got a good voice, but it's not her best. Paula & Randy lap it up, but Simon parrots my criticism. That Simon, he's so darned smart ;-)

    Oh man, we're just one short commercial break away from a brand new dose of Sanjaya. I cannot wait!

    "Rocker" Gina is going to sing "Smile". Sadly, it's not the Lily Allen song. Gina is dead to me. She winked into the camera. Oh honey, there's no winking allowed when you're singing an inspirational torch song. I suppose the singing was decent and controlled, but the song was so damn boring that I fell asleep. Ho hum.

    Sanjaya has the eye of the tiger this week. He's determined to prove that he can actually sing "Cheek to Cheek". But oh good lord, his hair is all slicked back and he looks almost as creepy as Phil. Almost, but not quite. To his credit, Sanjaya roams the audience, pulls Paula out of her chair and spins her around without missing a note. The kid's got something. I don't know what it is, but it's there and it's awesome! I'm totally voting for him. Take that, haters!

    When Sanjaya is finally voted off, a little light will go out and the world will be a much sadder place.

    Haley hits the stage in a beautiful sparkly, short green halter dress that shows off her rack to its best advantage. Haley's singing "Ain't Misbehaving". At the start, she sounds exactly like Olivia Newton John in "Grease". She handles the song's change of tempo expertly, but it's still like she's in the semi-finals of the Miss Texas pageant ("I want world peace and expanded gun ownership rights."). She's not really a bad singer, but she is in no way, shape or form a pop singer.

    It's almost over! LaKisha closes the show with "Stormy Weather". Of course she does. If LaKisha seemed younger last week, she just put on another 40 years tonight. She's all sass and prance and while that's fun once in awhile, that's all she does. Every week. I need to see another side of Miss Jones. Soon!

    Tonight's top performer: Chris
    Worst: I was going to write Haley, but Phil just sounded awful in the recap.
    My predicted boot: Haley, although it could really be anyone other than Melinda, Blake, Chris or Sanjaya.

    Posted by at 08:02 PM | Comments (0)     
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