April 29, 2009
2009 Kentucky Derby Pick |
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It's almost Derby Day! I'm getting ready to make my traditional Mint Juleps and my traditional incorrect Derby pick. Well, scratch that, since I adopted the 8 question system below, I've done much better and I've been able to make picks based on analysis, not emotion. So what ultimate answer do my questions bring this year? Let's find out together.
Question 1
Is there an exceptional horse in the race? Because the Derby usually has a large field, racing luck and pace tend to make the race. A truly exceptional horse, however, tends to make its own luck. If you think there's a potential Triple Crown winner in the field, pick him and skip to the end. If not, move on to question 2.
I think there are 4 or 5 really, really good horses, but I don't see any of them as head and shoulders above the others, so this is a no for me.
Question 2
Are there fewer than 14 horses in the field? If so, then you can rely on what happened in the Derby preps to guide your pick. Races with fewer horses tend to have a more reasonable pace and predictable results. If the field isn't full, look to one of the winners of the big prep races (Santa Anita Derby, Arkansas Derby, Wood Memorial, Blue Grass Stakes, Florida Derby).
This year, 20 horses are going to be in the starting gate, so things like racing luck and riders will play a factor.
Question 3
How fast will the pace be? Check out the running styles of the field. If there's a ton of horses in the race that all like to be 4th or 5th throughout the race, then they all might plod around in the early part of the race, meaning that one of them will outkick the others for the win OR that a frontrunner might get loose on the lead and win. This is not a common scenario. More likely is the field with a few speedballs. They'll ensure a swift pace and cause those horses who want to be comfortable sitting off the lead to go faster than they want. This pace scenario usually results in a come-from-behind horse winning.
So, to review, fewer speed horses mean the race sets up for stalkers OR for a lone speed horse. Lots of speed horses mean that the winner will most likely come from way off the pace.
Join In The Dance, Papa Clem and Regal Ransom will probably be near the pace, but none of them seem likely or capable of setting that kind of suicidal pace that the deep closers need. Additionally, I don't think any of the three are good enough to go wire to wire. So, I'm going to narrow the field to these stalkers: Friesan Fire, Chocolate Candy, General Quarters, I Want Revenge, Dunkirk,Pioneerof The Nile & Desert Party.
Question 4
Will it rain? On some tracks, it doesn't seem to matter if it's muddy. At Churchill Downs (the home of the Derby) it doesmatter. It's the track comes up wet, look for horses with some history of success in the mud. Extra bonus points if his mother was a mudder. Addtionally, who has dirt, rather than synthetic, form. Some horses love synthetic tracks, some only perform on real dirt.
Friesan Fire is the most proven mudder in the field. Chocolate Candy and Pioneerof The Nile haven't run on real dirt, but experts at Churchill Downs report that they've both been working great and look like they'll have no problem with the surface.
Question 5
Can he go the distance? One common misconception is that horses who come from behind are stayers. This isn't necessarily the case. You still need to find a stretch runner with a pedigree that doesn't scream "sprinter".
Of the seven horses left after Question 3, the only one without a strong distance pedigree is General Quarters.
Question 6
Horses prep all around the country and many never race against each other before the Derby. Therefore, it's useful to rank the regions. If, for example, the Florida horses are much the best this year, that gives you a reason to take a Florida stretch runner over one who stayed in California.
Horses based on California early this winter not only won all of the West Coast races, they also won the Wood Memorial in NY and the Arkansas Derby. They look the strongest to me, so I'll give extra points to Chocolate Candy, Pioneerof The Nile and I Want Revenge, as well as to Friesan Fire, who beat Cal-based Arkansas Derby winner Papa Clem in the Louisiana Derby.
Question 7
Are any of the remaining horses trained by Bob Baffert, D. Wayne Lukas or Nick Zito? Savvy handicappers are known to take out "Lukas insurance". That is, they'll place a small wager on Lukas-trained horses even if they don't really believe that they have a chance. History shows that you ignore Lukas, Baffert & Zito at your own peril.
Lukas and Zito have a couple of longshots in the field (Flying Private and Nowhere To Hide) while Baffert has one of the favorites with Pioneerof The Nile.
Question 8
Who do the Derby gods want to win? Really. The Derby gods are a sentimental bunch. If there's some octogenarian owner who has waited his whole life to win the Derby, he usually will. Good stories win.
The Derby Gods probably have two options. First, Friesan Fire could win it for trainer Larry Jones, who was second in each of the last two years with Hard Spun and the ill-fated Eight Belles. Second, the Gods might choose Blue Grass Stakes winner General Quarters who is the only horse in the stable of 75-year-old owner/trainer Tom McCarthy.
So, going into my analysis, I had narrowed the field to Friesan Fire, Dunkirk, Pioneerof The Nile, Chocolate Candy, I Want Revenge & Desert Party. After my questions, I've narrowed the field to Friesan Fire, Dunkirk, Pioneer Of The Nile, Chocolate Candy, I Want Revenge & Desert Party. Oh, wait... Maybe it'll help to look at each horse individually and then think about how they'll interact in the race together.
Friesan FIre: He hasn't raced in 7 weeks, but his trainer has been successful following that schedule. He put in a brillian work earlier in the week and would love a muddy track. He's the best bred horse in the race as he's by A.P. Indy and has a bunch of tough Australian & New Zealand horses on his dam's side. His speed figures aren't as fast as I Want Revenge or Dunkirk, but hopefully that means he'll peak now, not in March.
Dunkirk: He hasn't won a stakes race yet. His move around the turn in the Florida Derby was explosive, but then he couldn't get by the now-injured Quality Road in the stretch. Was it just a bad ride or is he just a late closing sprinter? His mom won the Kentucky Oaks, so I doubt he's a sprinter, but he might just be immature. He didn't race as a two-year old and because of that he'll be trying to buck well over a 100 years of history.
Pioneerof The Nile: He's already beat many of the top contenders. His last race was more professional than brilliant. He can get a little keyed up, but he also has the speed to put himself in a good position in the race. In other words, he makes his own racing luck.
Chocolate Candy: He finished second to Pioneerof The Nile in the Santa Anita Derby, but really got a bad ride and was too far off of a slow pace. He'll have a better rider in the Derby and will probably have a quicker pace to run at.
I Want Revenge: Has run the fastest figures in the field and overcome about 8 races worth of trouble in winning the Wood Memorial. However, he didn't beat anything in his races in New York. Back in California, he couldn't beat Pioneerof The Nile. DId he get better in NY, like the tracks more, or simply face easier competition?
Desert Party: He'll be attempting to win the Derby after wintering Dubai. It hasn't worked yet. That said, he's got a the right stalking style and his connections seem to prefer him over his stablemate Regal Ransom.
Of these six horses, I see I Want Revenge, Friesan Fire & Pioneerof The Nile being closest to the pace. Dunkirk, Chocolate Candy and Desert Party will be in the next tier back. Going around the far turn, I think Pioneerof The Nile will make the first move, but that by the time they turn for home Friesan Fire will have the lead. He'll get a jump on the other stalkers and although Chocolate Candy will be coming after him I think Friesan Fire wins the Derby! My trifecta would be Friesan Fire/Chocolate Candy/Desert Party.
So who's your pick?
On Specter & 'RINOs' |
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In switching to the Democratic Party, Senator Arlen Specter said:
Since my election in 1980, as part of the Reagan Big Tent, the Republican Party has moved far to the right. Last year, more than 200,000 Republicans in Pennsylvania changed their registration to become Democrats. I now find my political philosophy more in line with Democrats than Republicans.
A more cynical person would note that Specter was facing a very tough challenge in the 2010 Republican primary but will face almost no challengers on the Democrat side. But, that's not the point. Or at least it's not the point that I'm interested in.
Regardless of his motives, I think Specter is right. The Republican Big Tent folded up years ago. I think it's hidden in a church basement somewhere.
The Big Tent has been replaced with Big Government, Big Religion and Big Name Calling. Conservative pundits and bloggers think it's cute to try to silence those who disagree with them and the direction they're taking the GOP by calling them "RINOs".
So the question for people like Specter, or people like me, is what to do. Like Specter, do you abandon a party you no longer agree with or do you work hard to get like-minded candidates and leaders elected and try to get the party back to what it was under Reagan. Or hell, what it was under Gingrich in 1994?
I always thought that the thing to do was to take that second path, but it seems kind of hopeless now. The new powers that be are more entrenched than ever and fear of Obama will keep others in line. Maybe the time really is ripe for that mythically awesome fiscally conservative & socially liberal political party. I know I'm not the only voter out there that feels equally unsatisfied by the current major political parties.
April 23, 2009
Gotcha Journalism |
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A friend linked to this article about Condi Rice's role in approving waterboarding. To me, the article represents the worst trend in news: gotcha journalism. The whole news angle of the story is that Rice apparently didn't reveal the full extent of her role in approving interrogation techniques. The most interesting part of the story is buried in the last paragraph:
Last week, the Obama administration's top intelligence official, Dennis Blair, privately told intelligence employees that "high value information" was obtained through the harsh interrogation techniques. However, on Tuesday, in a written statement, Blair said, "The information gained from these techniques was valuable in some instances, but there is no way of knowing whether the same information could have been obtained through other means."
Besides Blair's rather silly statement that the same information may have been obtained through other means (the fact is that it wasn't), this gets to the heart of the issue. If harsh interrogation techniques can get you that kind of information that can really halt terrorists and save lives, is it worth doing? Or, should we not compromise our morals to get that kind of information? I don't know the answer. In fact, I don't really have a firm opinion on the question. That's what makes it fascinating and that's what makes it something that the media should explore more.
The media seems overly focused on the question of whether people in the Bush administration lied and they want to turn everything into another Watergate because every journalist wants to be the next Woodward or Bernstein. This is about the media serving their own interests rather than their readers' interests. I suspect that their readers would be very interested in learning about things like:
- How much and what kind of information has been obtained through harsh techniques
- What are viable alternatives to things like waterboarding?
- What do people within the CIA think? Aren't there more "Deep Throats" they can talk to to get more of the inside scoop? What do other countries do?
- Do harsh interrogation techniques really hurt our standing in the world? Do they make enemy combatants less likely to easily surrender?
The internet is killing newspapers, but boring gotcha journalism is a self-inflicted wound.
April 21, 2009
25 More Essential Summer Songs |
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One of our most popular old posts is this list of 25 Essential Summer Songs. Since the list is almost four years old now, however, it seems like a good time to update it with some new songs and old favorites. (Confession - I love, love, love making lists like this. It makes me search through my own songs, YouTube and other random lists and is a great way to discover and rediscover great music.).
So what makes an "essential" summer song? Generally speaking, it should be upbeat, not too serious and sound great with the windows down. With that in mind, here we go!
Update: Some our new 2010 list of essential summer songs.
- LDN, by Lily Allen: This song sounds like a happy, summer day even though it's really about the not-so-good life in London.
- Rock N Roll Hoochie Koo, by Rick Derringer: The ultimate in mindless summer rock.
- One Particular Harbour, by Jimmy Buffett: While almost any Buffett song could be on the list, I choose this one for the singalong chorus. There's something about summer that makes you want to singalong.
- Skateaway, by Dire Straits: This isn't a very peppy song (Dire Straits could never be described as peppy), but I the imagery sounds like a hot summer day in the city.
- My Life Would Suck Without You, by Kelly Clarkson: This is the summer of 2009 anthem that carloads of girls will be singing together. No doubt about it.
- Santeria, by Sublime: Ignore the lyrics and this is just feels like a nice, relaxing, sway to the music kind of song. Pay attention to the lyrics and yeah, not so much.
- Radar Love, by Golden Earring: Simply the ultimate driving song.
- Make My Day, by Common & Cee Lo: A happy, bouncy song that's sure to be another big summer of '09 hit.
- Summer's Cauldron/Grass, by XTC: Listening to this pair of songs is like laying on the grass with your ear to the ground and literally listening to the birds, bugs and bees.
- Summertime, by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Price: An obvious favorite that captures the fun and carefree feel of the season.
- Foundations, by Kate Nash: For some reason, the first note of this song reminds of an old school 60s hit that might have been sung by the Jackson 5.
- I Want You Back, by The Jackson 5: And, the real thing.
- Something So Strong, by Crowded House: A happy & sweet love song with a video that looks and feels like a country summer - or, more specifically, like those Old Country Lemonade commercials.
- Come Dancing, by The Kinks: Another just plain sweet and uncomplicated song - because it's summer and thinking is hard (witness "Rock N Roll Hoochie Koo" above, again).
- Everybody Ona Move, by Michael Franti & Spearhead: A good old fashioned summer ass shaker that sounds equally perfect blasted in your car or at a cool rooftop party.
- I'm Not Down, by The Clash: Life may suck sometimes, but less so if you're listening to a defiant song like this this summer.
- Big Brown Eyes, by Old 97's: Especially done live, this song is a hot 'n' sweaty rocker. What makes it a great summer song are the fun singalong parts.
- Don't Change, by INXS: A lot of INXS's music is very sexy, but not this song. It's more exhuberant than anything, which is why it works better as a summer song than as a love song.
- Borderline, by Madonna: Oddly enough for something by Madonna, this is really kind of a light and innocent reflection of summer love. In other words, it's pre-cone bra era stuff.
- Late In The Evening, by Paul Simon: The perfect sountrack for summer nights on your porch or deck.
- Tennessee, by Arrested Development: A funky, lazy song that you'd happily listen to while tossing frisbees, drinking beer and grilling meat. Although, it does lose points for sort of having a message and trying to teach us something. How dare they?
- Summer Of Drugs, by Soul Asylum: This song reminds me of faded Polaroids from the 70s. Soul Asylum may have been on drugs, but I was on pink terrycloth. Parents, just say no.
- Party At Ground Zero, by Fishbone: My friend Shel used to have great parties in her alley. They were frantic, but fun. When I hear this song I think of that summer and my own personal "ground zero".
- Our Lips Are Sealed, by The Go-Gos: This song is sealed as a great summer song by the image of the band joyfully playing in a fountain. The only thing better would be if they were playing in a backyard sprinkler.
- Pull Shapes, by The Pipettes: There something about girl groups that's tailor made for summer. The Pipettes are the next wave in a movement that has given us many a brilliant summer song.
April 16, 2009
My Dream President - How Does Obama Measure Up? |
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I wrote a post back in November 2007 about the attributes that my ideal President would possess. Let's see how Obama measures up.
1. Be from the so-called “fly over” states. Besides being friendlier, more open and more optimistic than most of the folks on the coast, he or she would also have learned how to deal with an extreme climate (well below zero in the winter and well into the 90s in the summer) from an early age. Think about it, wouldn’t you want a leader who has mastered driving in snow, knows what to do in a tornado and can deal with a heat wave even without AC? Nothing toughens a person like living through 100 plus degree temperature swings in a calendar year.
Nope. Obama grew up in Hawaii and Indonesia. Sure, he moved to Chicago, but it seems like as soon as he arrived he was trying to head back to Washington, DC.
2. Played a team sport growing up, but also has an individual sport or hobby they’re passionate about now. Participating in the team sport means they know how to work with others, how to accept coaching, how to belong to something bigger than themselves and how to represent someone else, whether it’s their school or a local bar. By participating in an individual sport or hobby, I’d hope my ideal candidate would learn that the buck stops with them and that, as they still participate today, they have an outlet for those times they need to clear their head before making a difficult decision.
Obama played basketball, so he's got the team sport thing down, but I haven't heard about any individual sporting pursuits.
3. Attended a large public university. This way, they’d know what it’s like to be a little fish in a big, big pond. They’d get to experience the “joys” of bureaucracy. And, they’d have a slighter better chance to avoid being poisoned by anti-American leftist professors.
Nope, Occidental College, Columbia and Harvard Law don't cut it in this case.
4. Worked outside of a traditional office for at least 3 months. They could have worked in a factory, in a hospital, on a road crew. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that they’ve had the American experience that the vast majority of their constituents have had. They need to understand that there’s more to life than the inside of law firms.
Nope. I could find anything about Obama's blue collar experience and I'm pretty sure that he had any his supporters wouldn't have shut up about it during the campaign.
5. Express a deep love of nature. To me, one of the things that makes America, America is our wide open spaces. It’s not the space so much as the spirit, but in any case, my ideal candidate should love the outdoors. This isn’t to say that I want a freaky environmentalist. I don’t. You can respect & love nature without worshipping it above humans. On the other hand, you can also place making it easy for businesses above what’s right for the land. I don’t want that either. I want a healthy middle.
I've never heard anything about Obama as outdoorsman.
6. Be a self-made person. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with being born rich, lots of great leaders were, it’s that if you’re self made, you’re already successful. You’ve already proven you can make good decisions. It’s like betting on the horse with the best past performance: they don’t always win, but the odds are lower.
Sure. Obama's got some money from book deals, salary, etc. He's got this one.
7. Has some skeletons in the closet. I don’t mean killing someone or being a smack addict, but frankly, I don’t care if my President smoked pot in college. I don’t care they get 5 speeding tickets a year. I really don’t even care if they had a one night stand. I don’t want the person who stayed inside their dorm room and studied all night for President. I don’t want a President who never made a mistake. A good leader should have experience doing something stupid and dealing with the consequences.
Yep, he drank and did drugs earlier in his life and he's still a smoker today. Good for him, I mean, err, bad for him.
8. Still have friends from nearly every era of their life. It’s a pretty good sign when people care enough to stay in touch with you for 20, 30 or even 40 years. People who can do that know how to make and keep a connection. The payoff is that they acquire an extended group that are there when they need them. They can count on their honest advice and firsthand knowledge in countless areas. I want my ideal President to have such a group.
I don't know for sure, but I feel like this one is a "No". Obama's basically distanced himself from Church friends and since he moved from country to country as a child, I bet he didn't keep too many friends from back then either.
9. Has a passport and isn’t afraid to use it. Hell, maybe it’s just that they have a car or a motorcycle and aren’t afraid to use it. The point is that they’ve traveled. They’ve seen things firsthand. They aren’t shy. They talk to people and see people rather than just read about them.
Sure. He's not only traveled, he lived abroad for years in Indonesia.
10. Has experienced evil firsthand. Maybe they were a victim of racism or witnessed a beating or helped liberate people from a tyrant. No matter what happened, the important thing is that it made my ideal President believe in good and evil. There are a million shades of grey, but black & white exist too.
I've never heard Obama talk about personal moments of racism, but I'm guessing he has experienced them. Sure, he's lived in a liberal bubble, but it's not that big of a bubble.
So, he's got 4.5 out of 10. On the Catholic grade school scale, that's a big 'ole fail.
April 14, 2009
Looking Back At All Those Years Ago |
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One of the things I don't really miss about Madison are all of the liberal-leaning signs. I remember the house down the street from me that kept up their "War Is Not The Answer" sign for years. The last time I was back in town (post election), I checked on the house. I was all ready to call them out on their hypocrisy because I suspected that since a Democrat was in the Oval Office war suddenly would be a legitimate answer and they wouldn't have such a beef with troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. Well, to my old neighbor's credit, the sign was still there.
The signs below, however, are long gone...
All around my neighborhood, both the leaves and the ever-present Kerry/Edwards signs are falling. The liberals are as downcast as a typical November day in Wisconsin. And I'm so happy. I love that all the "Regime Change Begins at Home" and "War Is Not The Answer" sign people lost. I love that all the clever rhetoric in the world can't change the fact that their ideas were discounted by the majority of the American people.
But, I don't expect Madison's liberals to just throw in the towel. Oh no, I expect them to come up with new, even more clever signs! In fact, some of them already have.
I'm not sure what this sign is supposed to mean. Bush doesn't have a mandate in their house? In their yard? I don't think even the staunchest Republicans are claiming that. Although, if he did, I'm sure he'd insist they do some raking. Also note the oh-so-clever use of a dollar sign in Bush. Oh those intellectuals...
It's nice to see that even local businesses are interested in alienating any customers that don't share their political beliefs. I'll remember this next time I'm looking for bike equipment. Note the use of "Allah". That shows that they are tolerant, you know.
And look, some folks are already getting a head start on the 2008 campaign. They gotta make sure we stop Jeb and the evil Bush empire.
This last one is my favorite. It's like they followed some lefty checklist: let's see, use of peace symbol-check, defacing the flag-check, use of irony in flying flag at half staff-check.
So there you have it, mourning in Madison. Isn't it beautiful?
April 13, 2009
Five Years of Dummocrats - In Soviet Russia, Anniversary Has You! |
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As I go through our archives, I'm noticing that while I've written about 90% of the articles on the site, I've contributed few of the very best. Basically, I'm most of America and our other writers are like the richest 1%.
Anyway, now that we're stuck with a liberal President, this old Soviet joke that James posted back in May 2006 is especially appropriate. Enjoy!
Seen at Volokh:
So if you're concerned that only the top 5% will ever afford getting higher IQ for their kids, that seems highly unlikely. And if you're concerned that only the top 70% will afford it, and oppose the technology because of the bottom 30%, then I think you have the wrong set of priorities. Work on ways to eventually make the technology accessible even to the bottom 30%, rather than denying it to the top 70%.There's an old Soviet joke about the man who visits Hell. (Actually, there are many different Soviet jokes about the man who visits Hell.) In Hell, there are three giant cauldrons in which the sinners are being boiled. On the rim of one stands a regiment of demons, shoulder to shoulder, constantly using their pitchforks to smack down the sinners who are trying to escape. On the rim of the second walk a few demons, who occasionally whack someone down. The rim of the third is empty, but no-one is getting out.
What's going on here?, the visitor asks. "There are three kinds of people," the Devil says. (In the original joke, they are Jews, Russians, and Ukrainians, but in honor of the 2004 Orange Revolution I've sworn off Ukrainian jokes.) "The first kind is in the first cauldron. When one looks like he's trying to escape, all the rest follow him. We need a lot of demons to manage them.
"The second kind is in the second cauldron. Occasionally someone is trying to escape, but the others don't pay any attention. It takes just a few demons to deal with this kind.
"The third kind is in the third cauldron: When one is starting to escape, all the others drag him back down by the ankles."
Don't be that third kind.
This joke is an example of everthing that I think is wrong with the Democratic party. It seems to me that the Dems want to pull everyone down to a single common denominator, the lowest of the low. If a poor man makes too little money, the Dems look for ways to make sure that the rich man earn less, instead of looking for ways to help the poor man earn more. That's no way to live your life. That's no way to run a country.
April 10, 2009
Happy Anniversary to Us |
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Looking at our archives, I see that Dummocrats.com has been around for five years now (dummocrats, on the other hand, have been around since about 1792).
Our first "real" post was on April 18, 2004, so in anticipation of this monumental date, I thought I'd re-post some of our best pieces over the years.
With Guantanamo Bay back in the news lately, it seems fitting to revisit this brilliant piece of investigative journalism by James from back in July 2004. Seriously, we even scooped Drudge on this one!
As we reported earlier on The Daily Page, two Frenchmen
'"bizarre" medicines had been given to inmates at night and [sic] one caused some prisoners to break out in spots." He gave no other details.
As you well know, we here at Dummocrats take allegations of human rights violations very seriously; that is why, upon hearing about these allegations, we immediately launched an investigation and dispatched our ace reporting staff to Paris, France, where they met with the former detainees (read: terrorist assholes) to get "'the rest of the story."
We wanted to know, just what were these "bizzare medicines" that were given to these unfortunate souls, and why isn’t the media talking about it? I'm happy to report that we've broken the story. I'm sure that Drudge will probably pick this up and it'll go mainstream, so, remember, you read it here first.
 Frenchman Interrogation Agent Number One
This nasty substance, code-named "soap" by top government officials, has been an effective Frenchman interrogation tool throughout much of the 20th century. However, as with most tools of war, this is not your grandfather's "soap." As is plainly indicated by the "2000" designation, this heavy-duty product is definitely a weapon for the 21st century. "Because Frenchmen have increased their dirtyness over the years, we've had to come up with more effective tools," said a top-government official who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity. "1950-era soap has little or no effect on the Frenchman of today; he's developed an unbelieveably high tolerance." |
| Frenchman Interrogation Agent Number Two
This is a particularly nasty form of the "soap" interrogation tool listed above is similar, but comes in a liquid form. "Often, it's hard to get close enough to the Frenchman to use the bar form of the soap," said the same top-government official." "We're able to use this liquid form in conjuction with our state of the art laser guided soap delivering tools (see exclusive photo below) to achieve the same positive effect with minimal risk to the olfactory senses of American soldiers." |  |
 | At Left: DUMMOCRATS WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Top-secret photo of state of the art laser guided soap delivering tool, used in conjuction with liquid form of "soap" formula, above. Image taken without permission of the US Government by a top-secret Russian satellite passing over Cuba. |
 | Frenchman Interrogation Agent Number Three
When the interrogations get tough, the tough pull out this tool, called a "toothbrush" by many in the military. While we were unable to get an official confirmation as to what exactly this nasty device is used for, rumor has it that it is used in conjunction with a paste-like substance to leave the victim's teeth "fresh, minty, and clean." Suffice it say, the government's continued silence on the topic speaks volumes. Note the cross-action of the bristles in the zoomed in portion of the image - the angle of each bristle is allegedly carefully chosen by top-Army scientists to ensure the maximum, "hell on earth" minty-effect, and at least one source tells us that the different colors of the bristles are a top-secret state-of-the-art technology that lets an Army interrogator know when its time to switch to a new tool, thus ensuring the maximum "hell-like" effect. Rumors abound about semi-automatic or automatic versions of this hellish tool, but we've been unable to confirm these reports. However, we were able to hire a police sketch artist to reproduce what this tool is alleged to look like. |
 |
| Frenchman Interrogation Agent Number Four
We are unsure of what this strange looking product labelled "ban" is used for, but we're told that it's applied to the underarms of detainees twice a day. We suspect that it is a time-released chemical of some sort, and the fact that it "goes on clear" leads us to believe that it is often secretly applied. Supporting this conclusion are rumors of another similar device called only "Secret." It's rumored that this "Secret" is similar to "Ban" in that it is "strong enough for a man," but different in that it is "pH balanced for a woman." Clearly, this nightmarish tool works by supplying some sort of chemical transdermally, and the fact that different versions are needed for men and women seems to indicate that it is hormone-related. |  |
Needless to say, we are mortified that this sort of interrogation is going on in America! (err, make that Cuba. -Ed.) Remember, just like Abu Ghirab was entirely the fault of President George W. Bush, so is this human rights disaster. Frenchmen should not be subjected to these terrible tools of torture! So on November 2, vote for the only candidate that promises to get the permission of every foreign leader, every domestic leader, every special interest group, and the Reverend Jesse Jackson before subjecting foreigners, particularly French terrorist asshole foreigners, to this nightmare in the future.
BAN THE SOAP LAUNCHER NOW!
BAN THE TOOTHBRUSH NOW!
BAN BAN! STOP THE SECRET SECRET!
April 05, 2009
Put me in coach. I'm ready to play today (but only if I have a cool walk up song) |
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Tomorrow is opening day! Of course, my Brewers don't start the season until Tuesday, but that's not the point. The point is, is that baseball is here. That means that Spring is here. And with spring comes two things I truly love: Leinie's Summer Shandy and walk up songs.
A baseball player's walk up song should, through music and lyrics, tell the crowd a little something about the player and possibly describe what he's going to do to the ball - all in the first 5 to 10 seconds of the song. For example, on the Brewers, Ryan Braun's 2008 walk up song, "Go Getta" says "I'm young, hip and completely inoffensive. I'm also a go getter." The slow jam Prince Fielder used said "I'm a smooth operator, baby". And Corey Hart's choice of "International Harvester" was his way of telling the crowd "I'm a dumb hick who will always swing at the first pitch." (Yeah, it's possible I'm still a little bitter about that).
Anyway, in the spirit of lists about music, here are ten great walk up songs for major leaguers everywhere to consider using this summer.
- "Bring Tha Noize", by Anthrax with Public Enemy.
What it says: I'm going hit the sh*t out of that ball.
What is also says: I would like some crowd encouragement in order to do that. - "I Told You I Was Freaky", by Flight of the Conchords.
What it says: I'm freaky.
What it also says: I have a great sense of humor and enjoy New Zealand comedy. - Wild Thing, by The Troggs.
What it says: I'm a wild thing.
What it also says: I really like the movie "Major League". - "Song 2", by Blur.
What it says: Woohoo!
What it also says: Woohoo! - "Strokin', by Clarence Carter.
What it says: I know how to stroke the bat.
What it also says: I'm not just talking about my bat, ladies. - Llame pa Verte, by Wisin & Yandel.
What it says: I celebrate and respect the Latin influence in modern baseball.
What it also says: I'm dancing sexy! - "Them Bones", by Alice in Chains.
What it says: I'm very angry.
What it also says: None of this matters because we're all going to die. - "Goody Two Shoes", by Adam and the Ants.
What it says: I don't drink and I don't smoke.
What it also says: I may be lying to you through song. - "Chicken Train", by Ozark Mountain Daredevils.
What it says: I'm a bigger hick than Corey Hart.
What it also says: I would never play for the New York Yankees because I someday plan to have a full, long beard. - "Any Way You Want It", by Journey
What it says: If you need a home run, I can do that. If you need a bunt, sacrifice fly, etc., I can also do that.
What it also says: again ladies, I'm not just talking about baseball
If I was a major league baseball player, I know I'd choose "Bring Tha Noize", but what about you?